Echoes
by anna2
Summary: One Night. One Party. Rory had a golden life in front of her then it began to spin out of her control. Rated T for sensitive subject matter. Finally completed.
1. Chapter One

Title: Echoes  
  
Rating: PG-13 for subject matter including sexual assault  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Gilmore Girls and I will make no money from this story.  
  
Distribution: This site. All others, please ask me first  
  
Summary: Rory's life turns upside down after her graduation from high school. Author's notes: This is a particularly vicious plot bunny that sank in its teeth and won't go away. It's still a work in progress that I will try to update regularly but no promises.  
  
Feedback: Always welcome. Click the box at the bottom of the page or email me at Abrewer@flagler.edu  
  
The moping had been going on for over a month now. Ever since her graduation, Rory had been quiet and withdrawn to the point of nearly disappearing. She went to work at the Inn, then came home and disappeared into her room. She didn't go out with Jess or hang out with Lane and she never returned Paris's phone calls. Work, home and Hartford on Fridays became Rory's routine. At first Lorelai had put it down to school ending, and then the cancellation of their trip to Europe. With the war in Iraq driving up oil prices, it was just too expensive to fly. But as the weeks slipped by and her daughter's depression deepened instead of easing, Lorelai was beginning to get worried. Something was very wrong with Rory. Lorelai had every intention of finding out the cause. What she hadn't planned on was having this particular discussion in front of her parents.  
  
"Rory what's wrong? You've been sulking for over a month." Emily Gilmore was nothing if not direct. The younger Gilmore's had barely sat down with their drinks when Emily went on the offensive.  
  
"Nothing's wrong Grandma. I'm just tired." Rory answered the question automatically. She was sick of people asking but didn't have the energy to fight about it.  
  
"You are not fine and this is more than being tired. Ever since school ended you've been in this funk every time we've seen you and it's getting worse. You aren't talking, you aren't eating. You're so withdrawn I think you're going to vanish into the couch. What is going on?"  
  
"Mom maybe this isn't the best time to be having this discussion." Lorelai stepped in, trying to diffuse her mother. "Could is possibly wait?"  
  
"No, this cannot wait. And just when do you think we can talk about this? We only see you on Fridays. Look at her Lorelai. She's lost at least ten pounds in the last month."  
  
"Well she had the flu last week." Lorelai knew she was making excuses. And truth be told, she knew her mother was right and was only pressing the subject because she was concerned.  
  
"Stop it!" Rory hadn't meant to scream but she couldn't help it. "Stop talking about me as if I wasn't here!" She jumped to her feet, not noticing that she knocked over her soda. "I'm fine! I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine!" With that she fled the room, racing up the stairs to her bedroom.  
  
"Sorry about that," Richard said as he emerged from his study. "That phone call had to be taken and it took longer than I thought to settle some issues. What did I miss?"  
  
Neither his wife nor his daughter answered him. They were too busy staring at the doorway Rory had disappeared through. Worry was giving way to fear and twinges of panic. "Mom, Dad, would you please excuse me?"  
  
"Of course. I'll tell Lila to keep dinner warm. It'll be ready when Rory is." Emily Gilmore was a lot things, but dumb wasn't one of them. Whatever was wrong with Rory needed to be sorted out and keeping dinner warm for her was least she could do.  
  
Rory was facedown on her bed, sobbing into a pillow. She didn't even notice her mother come in. It wasn't until Lorelai sat down next to her, that Rory noticed her. She immediately threw herself into her mother's arms, still sobbing incoherently. It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that Lorelai could make out what Rory was trying to say. Chiefly, "I'm sorry." She was repeating the phrase over and over again, like a mantra.  
  
"Baby what's wrong? What happened?" Lorelai couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Rory this upset.  
  
"I can't tell you. You're going to be so mad."  
  
Lorelai got a hand under her daughters chin and forced her to look up. "Rory there is absolutely nothing that you can't tell me. Nothing. I'm you mom, I love you and I will always love you. Nothing you say could ever change that."  
  
Rory was silent for a moment, steeling herself and trying to put off saying the words for just one more minute. "Do you remember the party I went to with Paris? Right after graduation?"  
  
"Yes." Lorelai's curiosity was piqued now, but she didn't asked questions.  
  
"I had a good time. Jess couldn't go, he was working but Paris and Jamie were there and kids from Chilton, and it was fun. There were people from a couple other schools as well and it was really crowded. I lost Paris around 10 o'clock. We just got separated, it wasn't on purpose." Rory's voice sounded very far away, as if she was reliving memories. "I got a soda. It was really hot in there from all the people. Right after I finished it, I felt funny. Kind of dizzy, like I was going to faint or something. I tried to find a bathroom and that's where everything gets fuzzy. I was opening doors and the next thing I remember was waking up in a bedroom. Paris found me. My- my clothes were-" She couldn't finish the sentence. "Mommy I was raped."  
  
For a split second Lorelai saw red. Pure, blazing rage shot through her system, directed solely at the son-of-a-bitch who'd hurt her daughter. A whimper from Rory broke through the haze of anger and forced Lorelai back to the here and now. "Oh sweetheart. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. This is not your fault." Her own tears were falling now as she held Rory close, trying to reassure her. "It's not your fault."  
  
Rory sniffled and forced back a wave of nausea. "But that's not the worse part. Oh God, mom. I don't even know how to say this." The world was beginning to whirl around her and there was a roaring noise in her ears. "I'm pregnant."  
  
The world stopped turning. The last time Lorelai had heard those words utter with such anguish was when she had told her parents that Rory was on the way. "What?"  
  
"I'm pregnant Mom. I'm so sorry." Rory broke down sobbing again. Lorelai automatically held her close, trying to comfort her daughter the way she had when she was baby and screamed with fits of colic.  
  
"It's okay sweetie. Everything's going to be okay."  
  
"How? How can anything be okay again? My future, college, all those dreams we spent years talking about, it's all gone. How am I supposed to be foreign correspondent now? What's Jess going to say? Or Lane? Or anyone at home? What are Grandma and Grandpa going to say? They're going to be so mad. And not just at me, but at you too and you didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"Neither did you." Once again Lorelai made Rory look up. "Look at me. You didn't do anything wrong. Not a thing. None of this is your fault. Not any of it. Do you understand me? This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. I am not angry at you. Your grandparents won't be either." Over Rory's head, Lorelai made eye contact with her shaking, gray faced mother who nodded her assent. She'd been hovering in the doorway, having followed Lorelai up. Emily was fairly certain she was going to be sick at hearing what had been done to her granddaughter. Watching Lorelai comfort Rory, Emily decided to go downstairs and tell Richard what was happening. The very least she could do was spare Rory that ordeal and it looked like the girls could use some privacy right now.  
  
"I'm so ashamed. What's going to happen to me? Or to it?" Rory gestured at her stomach, nearly breaking her mother's heart.  
  
"I don't know babe. I wish I could wave a magic wand and undo all of this. But I can't and we're just going to have to figure out a way to deal." Lorelai was ready scream but her anger and frustration was going to have to wait. "Are you sure you're pregnant?"  
  
"I've missed a period when I've never been late before, I've been throwing up in the morning for the last week and a half, and the 10 home tests were all positive."  
  
"That's adds up to sure. When did you have time to take 10 pregnancy tests? And where did you get them? You haven't gone out in weeks. I can't even get you to Luke's for coffee anymore."  
  
"That's what you're fixating on? Where I got the pregnancy tests?" Rory was relived to hear a note of humor in her mother's voice. It meant her world still existed in some manner.  
  
"Well yes, because if I think of anything else I'll go charging out of the house and will probably kill some innocent boy in my attempts to avenge my daughter. And no, that wasn't a joke. If I ever find out who did this to you, I will kill him. And your father and grandparents will be right behind me."  
  
"No!" Rory pulled away from Lorelai, staring at her mother in horror.  
  
"No. what?"  
  
"At home, people, Dad, you can't tell them about this. I don't want anyone to know who doesn't have to. You can't tell anyone."  
  
"First, your grandparents already know. Grandma was listening outside the door to make sure you were okay." Rory's face crumbled at this pronouncement but she didn't speak. "And second, if you keep the baby, people are going to figure it out. You can't be pregnant and not get huge, it doesn't work like that. It never has, it never will. And third, I can't keep this from your Dad. It's too huge"  
  
"I don't know what to do Mom." The lighthearted moment was over and the gravity of the situation came flooding back to both of them. "I keep trying to get my mind around this whole situation and I just can't. My whole world just shattered and I have no idea how the put the pieces back together. I don't even know if I can." Once again Rory began to cry, but not nearly as badly as she was before.  
  
"It's going to be all right sweetheart. I promise; I'll do whatever I can to help you fix this. You're going to get through this. Everything will be some form of okay."  
  
Rory eventually cried herself to sleep, still clinging to her mother. Lorelai didn't dare move until she was sure Rory was out. When Rory's breathing became deep and regular, Lorelai carefully tucked the comforter around her and made her way downstairs. Her parents were still in the living room.  
  
"I'm sorry about dinner."  
  
"Never mind that. Is Rory all right?" Emily was still having a difficult time processing the information she'd been given and decided the best course of action was to focus on the here and now.  
  
"She's sleeping now." Lorelai paused automatically to pour a drink. She didn't even look at what she was drinking. All that mattered was that a drink would keep her grounded. "Do you guys mind if we stay here tonight? I don't want to wake her up."  
  
"Of course." Emily didn't like the look on her daughter's face. Shock, horror, and anger had driven every bit of happiness and lightness from her eyes. At this moment Lorelai looked every bit of her 34 years and then some. "Come into the kitchen, I saved you a plate."  
  
"Thank you." Lorelai didn't notice what was on the plate her mother set in front of her; she just ate it without tasting it. The elder Gilmores were uncharacteristically silent, waiting for their daughter to speak instead of peppering her with questions they way they usually did. "I think I finally understand how you two must have felt when I was 16. My entire world just exploded. My daughter went to a party, someone drugged her drink and raped her, and then to top it all off she was left pregnant. She didn't tell anyone what had happened to her and she blames herself for the entire thing. The first words out of her mouth were 'I'm sorry'. And then she started worrying that we would be mad at her or that you guys would be angry with me." Lorelai fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. This was not the time to cry.  
  
"I'm going to call my attorney in the morning and then a private investigator," Richard said quietly. "Whoever it was that did this is going to pay."  
  
"While I agree with the sentiment, could you hold off on that until I talk to Rory some more and make sure that is what she wants?" Lorelai asked. She didn't want to start a fight. "She's very embarrassed and ashamed and I don't want to make things worse. I think she's barely holding on as it is"  
  
"If that's what you think is best." Richard sat down heavily at the table, with Emily taking the seat next to him. "But if that little bastard is ever identified-"  
  
"You can help me kill him. Believe me, I have every intention of causing him pain if I can. He hurt my daughter. He will die." Suddenly exhausted, Lorelai pushed the plate away. "I'm sorry. I just can't eat anymore."  
  
"Don't worry about it." Emily reached out and took her daughter's hand. "Whatever you need for Rory, we're right here. Don't hesitate to ask."  
  
"Thank you Mom. I think the first thing I have to do is get her to a doctor. She needs to be checked out. I'll call in the morning and try to get an appointment for Monday. And after that- I don't know. I suppose a lot of this is up to Rory."  
  
"Yes it is. You know better than I do how scared she must be right now."  
  
"I never thought- not in my wildest fears for her did this possibility cross my mind. She's always been so level-headed that I never worried she do some of the stupid things I did. I worried about car accidents and college acceptance letters, things beyond her control, but not this. I can't even begin to think about how she's going to cope or what she'll decide to do. I'm afraid she might keep the baby just because I kept her. That she'll take the teen mom route because that's what she thinks she has to do, not because it's what she wants to do."  
  
"What do you want her to do?" Emily kept her voice gentle.  
  
"I'd like her to have an abortion. Bad enough she's pregnant, but because she was raped? I don't see how she could want to keep the baby."  
  
"And if she does?"  
  
"Then I get use to the term 'Grandma'. Oh god, Grandma! I thought I'd have to be old before I got that title."  
  
"So did I," Emily replied dryly. A second later, all three of the kitchen's occupants broke out laughing. For one glorious instant, the tension of the day dissipated.  
  
"I'm tired." Lorelai couldn't prevent a yawn from escaping as she stretched. "Mom, could I possibly borrow some sweats from you to sleep in?"  
  
"Of course. I'll tell Lila to leave them in the guest room and we'll see you in the morning." Lorelai gave each of her parents an uncharacteristic hug before heading up. The evening had left her emotionally drained and exhausted. 


	2. Chapter Two

Breakfast the next morning was a quiet affair. None of the four people around the table had slept well the night before. Rory kept her eyes focused on her plate, too ashamed to even look at her family. Nothing her mother or grandparents said could convince her otherwise. After thanking her parents for letting them stay and promising to be in touch soon, Lorelai managed to get a unresponsive Rory into the car and headed for home. For the first time in Gilmore history the ride was completely silent. Both Rory and Lorelai were lost in their own thoughts and neither one of them turned on the radio. It wasn't until they pulled into the driveway that Lorelai finally spoke.  
  
"Well we have two options: one, go to Luke's for coffee and try to live our lives or two, hide in the house and accomplish nothing."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Rory, I know you're scared and hurting and embarrassed right now but you can't just give up your life. If you do that, he wins." Rory's head snapped around when Lorelai said this. "I'm not going to force you to do anything but will you at least think about it?"  
  
"I can't." The words were an anguished whisper. "I can't face Jess. What am I going to say to him? What will he say to me? I can't do it."  
  
For what seemed like the millionth time in the last 12 hours, Lorelai felt her heart break. "Are you going to avoid him forever? It's been over a month since you've seen him. I was beginning to think that you'd broken up."  
  
"What if he hates me?"  
  
"You know him better than I do. Do you really think Jess will hold this against you?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Nothing I thought I knew fits. It's like I have to reconstruct my world with half the pieces missing and still come out with a whole."  
  
"Only you bring fractions into a serious discussion."  
  
"And only you make jokes in the middle of serious discussions!" Lorelai looked away, chagrined. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I just- I've been holding this inside for so long that I'm not sure I know how to let it out. Or that I even want to. And there's another problem. If I keep the baby, everyone around here will think Jess got me pregnant. It won't matter that he didn't or that I tell people it wasn't him. He'll still get blamed, just like after the car accident. I can't do that to him. And as far as coffee goes, the smell is enough to make me start puking. I'm not going near Luke's."  
  
"First, I don't think you make any kind of decision based on what happened with the car accident. That was over a year ago and Jess has developed a better reputation. Second, something this serious isn't going to be twisted around. I can't think a person in this town that would believe you lied about being raped just to protect your boyfriend. Think about it, can you see Taylor or Patty or Mrs. Kim buying into that?" Rory shook her head. "Third, in regards to keeping everything inside yourself I'm going to give you one piece of advice and you do whatever you want with it. You inherited my terrible habit for trying to do everything yourself. You are just like me in that respect. But I'm telling you babe, it's a hard road to take. I'm still learning that lesson. Occasionally, you need to let people in and be able to lean on them a little. That's all. I'm going to go down to Luke's. I need coffee." They both got out of the car and Rory headed up the front walk, fumbling with her keys.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Yes sweetie?"  
  
"Could you ask Jess to come by? Tell him I really need to talk to him."  
  
Lorelai smiled with relief. "Sure. I'll even offer to pitch in behind the counter to make sure he can get away." Rory went into the house and Lorelai headed for the diner.  
  
*************  
  
Luke didn't like the look in Lorelai's eye when she walked into the diner that morning. It wasn't her usual 'I must have coffee or I'll talk your ear off' look. That look he knew how to deal with. Hand her the vile liquid and walk away. This look was different and he couldn't define it. The closest he could come was 'shell-shocked'. Even more confusing, she went directly over to Jess and started talking to him in a fairly urgent tone of voice. Unfortunately, they were too far away to be overheard.  
  
"Hey Luke, I have to go," Jess was already taking off his apron as he spoke.  
  
"It's the middle of your shift and we're busy. You aren't going anywhere."  
  
"I'll explain later." And he was out the door. Exasperated, Luke turned his attention to Lorelai.  
  
"What the hell was that about?"  
  
"It's a long story. Short version is that Rory needed to talk to him. I'll help you out until he gets back." Before he could protest, she was behind the counter and clearing plates that Jess had abandoned.  
  
"Lorelai." She turned to face him and the look on her face knocked all protests out of his mouth. Whatever was going on was big and probably not good. "What happened?"  
  
"This isn't the time. You have diner full of customers that want food and they can't be ignored." With that she grabbed the coffee pot and went to do refills.  
  
"Oh yes they can." He raised his voice so all the customers could hear him. "Did you hear that? For the next ten minutes Caesar's on his own back there, behave yourselves." With that he pried the coffee pot out of Lorelai's hand and pulled her up to the apartment. "Talk. Now."  
  
"Look, you really don't have to do this."  
  
"Something bad has happened and probably to Rory judging by the way Jess shot out of here. Not to mention the fact that I haven't heard one demand for coffee since you walked in or any of your so-called wit."  
  
"Rory's pregnant."  
  
Luke blinked. "I didn't mean to start cracking jokes now."  
  
"I'm not joking." She wandered over to look out the window. "I never knew what a great view you had up here." She turned back around to face him. "Looks like I get the 'Grandma' title sooner than I thought."  
  
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to tear him apart with my bare hands the second I see him." Luke was livid. Jess had sworn he wasn't going to hurt Rory and look what had happened. What he couldn't figure out was why Lorelai hadn't come charging in with a gun earlier. "Just when I start thinking that he's on the right track, this happens. I knew something was wrong."  
  
"You don't know the half of it. It wasn't Jess."  
  
"You aren't making any sense. And would you quit staring out the window? The key to understanding the universe isn't on Taylor's roof." Luke grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down. "Now, would you just tell me what the hell is going on? Is this some bad joke you cooked up? Cause it ain't funny."  
  
She let out a short, caustic laugh. "I wish it was a joke. About a month ago Rory went to a party, someone slipped something in her drink and now she's pregnant. She has no idea who the SOB that did this to her might be and I don't know how to help her." Lorelai felt herself slipping into rant mode and forcibly shut her mouth. "So that's why Jess shot out of here like he did. She's telling him what happened to her right now and probably trying to break up with him while she's at it. She's convinced that when word gets out about her condition, he'll be blamed no matter what she says. When he comes back in a mood, that's the reason. I'm really sorry."  
  
"Don't apologize." The words were automatic. Luke couldn't even begin to get his mind around what Lorelai had just told him. He didn't want to. "Is there anything I can do to help?"  
  
"I don't know. It's incredibly unfair of me to have dumped this on you in the first place. I just thought you ought to have some warning for when Jess gets back I can't imagine what his mood is going to be."  
  
"I can. Ready to kill someone."  
  
"That's about where I am now. Except I don't have a target. Whoever did this to her will probably never know all the damage he caused. His life goes on while Rory's gets screwed all to hell for something that wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything wrong and she's the one getting punished for it. No matter what she decided to do, her life is never going to be the same." Lorelai felt very old all of sudden and tired. "She doesn't deserve this."  
  
"Oh man. I don't even know what to say here. How's she holding up?"  
  
Another bitter laugh. "About to collapse at any moment. She's angry, hurting, and scared to death. Along with ashamed for no good reason and extremely embarrassed. She's terrified of anyone finding out what happened. For some reason she feels like it's her fault. She was convinced I was going to be furious and that her grandparents would be worse."  
  
Luke set a cup of the coffee he'd been working on down in front of Lorelai and joined her at the table. "Do your parents know?"  
  
She nodded. "Mom had noticed how depressed Rory had become and asked her about it last night at dinner. Rory denied that anything was wrong, then started to cry and ran off. I followed and the whole story came out. Mom was lurking at the door and heard the whole thing. I thought she was going to have a stroke. Luckily both she and Dad aren't blaming Rory."  
  
"Well how could they? This mess certainly isn't her fault."  
  
"I know. I will say that about my parents, they don't assign blame where it isn't due." Lorelai glanced at the clock and jumped up. "I didn't realize how long I'd been up here. Poor Caesar must be going nuts. Sorry about this." Her coffee cup hit the sink and she was halfway out the door before Luke could argue with her.  
  
"Hey, wait!"  
  
"Luke you have a business to run and I need to go home. Thank you for the coffee. If Jess doesn't show soon, give me a call and I'll help out until he gets back."  
  
"Look, Lorelai if you ever want to talk, my ears are open okay. Any time. And don't worry about Jess. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself."  
  
She smiled at him, a real smile not the twisted one she'd had before. "Thank you." She turned to leave again, then stopped. "Listen, Rory's really embarrassed about this whole thing and you know how fast gossip spreads around this town-"  
  
"I won't say anything. Do you want to take some coffee back for her?"  
  
"No, she said the smell of it makes her nauseous. The joys of pregnancy. Thank you though. Call me if Jess doesn't show up." And she was out the door. Luke stayed upstairs for a few more minutes, trying to process all the new information he'd been given. However Caesar yelled upstairs that he needed help before Luke could get anywhere. He'd have to do this later.  
  
*********************  
  
The house was quiet when Lorelai walked in. Rory was in her bedroom, as she had been for most of the summer and Jess was nowhere in sight. When Lorelai looked in on Rory, she was curled on her bed and fast asleep. After covering her daughter with a blanket, Lorelai closed the door and went into the living room to think. She hadn't really had time to process everything.  
  
Rory had been raped. She was pregnant with that bastards' baby. Lorelai felt herself getting nauseous at the thought. Her daughter, her baby, had been- she cut the thought off. That path would lead to homicidal anger and that would accomplish nothing because she had no target to kill which was massively unfair because she really wanted to cause that SOB pain. How dare he do that to her daughter? Rory hadn't done a thing in her life to deserve this kind of punishment. She was a good student, a loving daughter and granddaughter, a wonderful, decent person who had a golden life ahead of her. She'd worked her butt off to get into Chilton and from there into Ivy League schools. She'd never come out and said it but Lorelai knew her daughter was determined to have the future her mother should have had. She wasn't going to repeat Lorelai's mistakes. While one part of Lorelai felt offended that Rory should consider herself a mistake, another, bigger part of her was jumping for joy. She had a smart kid, one who knew way more than Lorelai had at that age and thought with her brain, not her hormones. And at the same time, Rory hadn't ignored her hormones entirely. She'd allowed herself a healthy social life but not one that would jeopardize her future. She'd been so smart, so careful and what happened? Some punk kid decided for whatever reasons to rape her and in one instant undo all of Rory's hard work and careful planning. It wasn't fair!!  
  
"Mom, why did you keep me?"  
  
Rory's quiet question caused Lorelai to leap off the couch with a yell of shock. "What?"  
  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." She turned to leave but Lorelai stopped her.  
  
"Don't apologize. You have every right to ask that question, especially now. You wouldn't have asked if you didn't want to know. Come on, sit down and we'll talk about this." She patted the sofa and motioned for Rory to sit.  
  
Almost reluctantly Rory joined her mother on the couch and snuggled up in the blanket folded over the back of it. Once they were both comfortable, Lorelai got the ball rolling. "You want to know why I didn't have an abortion or place you for adoption. Right?" She got a nod in return. "And I'm assuming you're asking this so that you can make an informed decision about your own circumstances." Another nod. "Well I give you credit for asking the hard questions."  
  
"You don't have to answer. I shouldn't have asked." Only Lorelai's restraining hand kept Rory from bolting off the couch.  
  
"Honey, it's okay to ask these things. You have a right to know about this stuff, even if current events weren't what they were."  
  
"How come you don't say 'pregnant'? You keep saying 'current events' or 'your circumstances'. Are you ashamed of me?" Rory willed away the tears pricking her eyes. She cried at the drop of a hat these days and it was beginning to irritate her to no end.  
  
"I'm sorry. That's a horrible habit your grandmother used on me, right until the day I put her hand on my stomach to feel you kicking and said that you were a baby, not a circumstance. I didn't even realize I was doing it to you." Lorelai rearranged the blanket so that it covered both of them. It was a little chilly in the house. "Back to your original question, that decision was the hardest one I ever had to make and it took me the better part of a month. I'd be lying if I said I never considered the other options. I didn't tell anyone about you until after I'd made up my mind. I didn't want anyone else to influence my choice."  
  
"So why did you keep me? Wouldn't it have been easier to have an abortion and be done with it? No one would ever have known unless you decided to tell them. Why on earth did you become a teen mom?"  
  
"I kept you because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time, I thought I was in love with your dad and in my mind you were the physical result of that love. I realize that phrase is incredible cheesy but it's true. I know now that I had mistaken hormones for love but I didn't realize it then. An abortion would have been too easy and in my mind, it was the shameful way out. I was not then and have never for one second been ashamed of you. As for adoption, it was just too hard for me to even think about. That is a great, workable, completely selfless option for some women but not for me. There was no way I could carry a baby for nine months, go through hell to deliver her and then give her away. Maybe it was a selfish choice on my part, but it's the one I made. I do know that I have never, ever regretted my choice to keep you."  
  
"So you think I should keep the baby?"  
  
Lorelai smiled sadly. "I didn't say that. My reasoning worked for ME, at that point in MY life, under MY particular circumstances. YOU have to listen to YOUR own brain and YOUR own heart and make your own choice here. I can't tell you what to do. I wish I could, but I can't. However, I can tell you that I will support any decision you make 100%."  
  
Despite her best efforts, the tears were slowly leaking down Rory's cheeks. "I hate this. I shouldn't have to do this. How can other people have so much control over my life? Some asshole thinks spiking my drink and raping me is a good idea and I bet it never crossed his mind what it would do to me. That MY life has been changed forever, for HIS fun. I can't undo this. I'm pregnant and nothing, whether I abort or give it up or keep it, will ever change the fact that I'm a mom and I have a child and I didn't get a choice in this! I did everything right. I studied hard and got good grades and got into a good college so that I could have a good life and live out the dreams I've nurtured for years. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm being punished anyway! How am I supposed to live my life now?!" For the 59 millionth time in the last month and a half, Rory dissolved in tears.  
  
"Honey it's going to be okay." Lorelai held her daughter close and tried to offer what comfort she could, when in reality she had no idea what to do or say. "Everything will work out."  
  
"I don't see how it ever could."  
  
'Then I want you to keep something in mind: first, what happened to you was horrible and degrading and no woman should have to go through that. But it wasn't your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You went to a party and drank a soda. That's all. I'm not angry with you or ashamed of you, and neither are your grandparents. Second, you are a strong, smart young woman who doesn't know how to fail. I have every confidence that the choice you ultimately make will be the right one for you and that you will do your absolute best with what you have to work with. Third, I love you and nothing will ever, ever change that. And fourth, no matter what you decide I will support you a hundred percent."  
  
Rory didn't respond. Instead she leaned against her mother and forced herself to relax a little. Lorelai felt some of the tension dissipate and said a silent 'thank you'. Rory had been so stressed that Lorelai was being to worry she'd have a stroke. The silence settled over the room for so long that Lorelai thought Rory had fallen asleep.  
  
"My eyes are going to fall out if I keep crying like this," Rory said ruefully as she reached for the tissues.  
  
"At the very least, we'll have that indoor pool we always wanted, right here in our living room. We'll have to replace the furniture with pool toys."  
  
"And then we can charge people to swim in January. Taylor will have to organize a new festival, just for our pool."  
  
"And now we have a legitimate reason to have a pool boy named Juan. This is sounding better and better. In fact, it's the new house policy." Lorelai stood up with a groan and stretched. "You must cry at all times to form our new pool."  
  
Rory laughed, then clapped a hand to her mouth and bolted for the bathroom. She emerged a few minutes later a good deal paler. "I hate this. Nothing stays down until at least noon and I can't stand the smell of coffee. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wake up without the holy liquid?"  
  
"You forget, I had to give up when you were in the oven." Lorelai started re-folding the couch blanket.  
  
"How did you survive?"  
  
"I just became really crabby and cranky for the whole nine months. Thank God you came early; your grandparents were ready to kill me. By the way, just how did your talk with Jess go?" 


	3. Chapter Three

Author's Notes: Thank you to all the people who left reviews, I always appreciate the feedback.  
  
As Lorelai had predicted, Jess came back to the diner in a foul mood. He worked the rest of his shift silently, glaring at everyone but saying nothing unnecessary. It was this lack of sarcasm and 'witty' remarks that worried Luke the most. In the time Jess had lived with him, he'd always been able to read the kid's moods by what came out of his mouth. Silence was a new one. The second Jess's shift ended, the teenager shot out the door. Luke could tell he wouldn't be back until after the diner closed.  
  
So he waited and worked and tried to figure out what to say to Jess when came back. This was too big of a thing for nothing to be said but Luke had no idea how to approach the subject. He was still trying to come up with a way when Jess came stomping in.  
  
"Did you know?"  
  
"Know what?" Luke played dumb to try and get a bearing on the situation.  
  
"Don't play dumb. Did you know about Rory?"  
  
"Yes. Lorelai told me right after you left. She wanted to let me know why you'd be pissed off at the world when you came back."  
  
Jess let out a huge sigh and slumped into a chair. "She broke up with me. She said it was the best thing for both of us and that she was sorry. She gets raped and she's apologizing to me."  
  
"How does that make you feel?"  
  
Jess shot his uncle a nasty glare. "Oh, we're going to talk about my feelings now?"  
  
"Well I have to say something to you. God only knows what fun and exciting ways you're going to find to deal with this."  
  
"Cause I'm a delinquent right? Watch out for Jess, you don't know what kind of crap he's gonna pull." He got up and yanked on his coat. "Screw this, I'm going out."  
  
"Sit your ass down. You aren't going anywhere in that mood. And you're right, we are going to talk about your feelings here. You got screwed over Jess. You have this great girl and some asshole decided to mess up her life and by extension yours. Through no fault of your own, you just lost your girlfriend. And you've been doing really well lately. Working two jobs, you have college plans for the fall, you finally have your life together and I won't let you blow it. And if talking about your feelings here keeps you on track, then that's what we're going to do!"  
  
"Feel better now?" Jess still sounded angry but he took the jacket off, something Luke considered a positive sign.  
  
"Not really. She really broke up with you?"  
  
"Yeah." The anger changed to something resembling depression. "She said I didn't deserve her after what happened. And that maybe this way, I won't get blamed for her being pregnant. Nothing I said could change her mind." He stopped talking for a moment, then stood up again. "I'm going to bed."  
  
"Don't do this Jess."  
  
"Relax, would you? I won't do anything stupid. It's just been a long, bad day that I'd like to be over."  
  
********************  
  
Sleep proved elusive that night, no matter what Rory did. Her body was exhausted but her mind was still racing and showed no signs of stopping. Around 4 am she gave up the struggle, left a note for her mother and slipped out of the house into the night.  
  
Stars Hollow during the day was a typical, slightly weird small town that moved at a pace that belied its small size. Small towns had a reputation for being sleepy and slow, but that wasn't true in Stars Hollow. At night though, it was different. The energy of the day melted away, leaving behind a calm, quiet place that looked like it belonged in a story book. When she was little, Rory had thought that at night the town itself became a dream and that if she touched anything it would shatter and vanish, like a bubble. Even now, inner child still thought there might be some truth to the idea.  
  
She ended up at the bridge. She always seemed to end up there when she was upset or scared. Right now she was both. Every time she thought about what was happening to her, she felt the urge to vomit or scream or both. And she couldn't get it out of her mind. No matter what she did or where she was, the 'I was raped and now I'm pregnant' refrain was always in the back of her head. She couldn't get away from it, even when she slept. Every night she dreamed about the baby inside her. Sometimes she had kept it and turned out to be a horrible mother. She resented the child for tying her down at such a young age and preventing her from reaching her dreams. Other times she gave it up for adoption and mourned the rest of her life for the lost son or daughter. Some times the baby died before it was born. The dreams were never good and Rory usually woke up in a cold sweat after having one.  
  
The strangest and most twisted part of this whole nightmare was that half of it was missing. She had no memory of the rape. The last thing she remembered was feeling really dizzy and opening a door in her quest for a bathroom. The next clear image in her mind was Paris's stricken face looming over her and the realization that she wasn't wearing much. Everything in between was gone.  
  
Paris had been wonderful, finding her top and skirt and shoes, not asking any questions. It wasn't until she'd mentioned calling the police that Rory had lost it. Even now she cringed at the memory. She'd insisted that she hadn't been raped, that there was just no way that could have happened. She'd sworn Paris to secrecy and had vowed to forget this entire episode had ever happened. And for about two weeks it worked. She'd gone home, gone to bed and gotten up the next morning as though nothing was wrong. She'd forced herself to follow her regular routine, day after day, burying the memory of that night deeper and deeper. But it wasn't gone and she couldn't make it leave. She knew she was acting strangely, that people were starting to wonder what was wrong with her. Even then she'd continued to deny that anything had happened to her. It wasn't until she had to confront the fact that her period, which had come every 30 days since she was 14, hadn't shown up. Then the nausea started. And she couldn't deny it anymore.  
  
In a way Rory was grateful to her grandmother for pushing the issue. At least now they all knew. Dreading breaking the news had nearly pushed her over the edge, and had prevented her from being able to think about what she was going to do. Now that her family knew, she could begin to think again.  
  
Not that she wanted to. Rory had always prided herself on being able to make difficult, complicated decisions. She would think each choice through, weighing the benefits and drawbacks of each, until she knew what she was going to do or not do. Harvard vs. Yale. Dean vs. Jess. Chilton vs. Stars Hollow High. Each of those decisions had been hard, but she'd ended up making the right one. But what was the right choice here? As she'd said to her mother earlier, this part of her life was never going to fade away, no matter what she did. 


	4. Chapter Four

Author's notes: For the record I am pro-choice and my writings will reflect that when the subject arises. Thank you to everyone for your kind feedback so far. I'll do my best to update steadily but real life will occasionally intrude. Please bear with me.  
  
*********************  
  
True to her word, Lorelai had Rory in the doctor's office bright and early on Monday morning. It only took a few minutes to confirm that the stork had indeed scheduled a delivery to Rory Gilmore for the end of February or beginning of March. Even though she had been expecting the verdict of 'pregnant', the official proclamation left Rory hyperventilating. Right up until she heard the words, she had been hoping that the home tests were wrong. And now she knew they were right.  
  
"You do have options you know," Dr. Larson said gently. "You're only about six weeks pregnant and that gives you plenty of time to make up your mind. If you opt not to continue the pregnancy, you have 14 weeks to act. After that, you'll have to go to term."  
  
"I'm not having an abortion Dr. Larson. Thank you though." Rory clutched the paper gown a little tighter around herself and wished that she hadn't insisted Lorelai stay in the waiting room. All of a sudden, she wanted her mother.  
  
"Okay then. I do need to discuss some other issue with you then, in order to ensure a safe pregnancy and healthy baby. I'm going to start you on prenatal vitamins. You can get them over the counter in any drugstore. Take one in the morning and one in the evening. How are you doing with morning sickness? Has it been a problem?"  
  
"Only for a about the first hour after I get up. Then it fades away."  
  
"Good. If that changes for the worse, you need to let me know. It's very easy to get dehydrated from vomiting. Make sure you brush your teeth every time that happens to prevent tooth decay." She continued on for a few minutes, outlining for Rory the importance of resting when she felt tired, eating healthy, not drinking or smoking or ingesting caffeine, as well as getting regular exercise and going over the warning signs of miscarriage to watch out for. "At your age, losing the baby is a slim possibility but with every pregnancy the risk is always there. If you have any cramping or bleeding or anything of that nature, call me right away or go to the emergency room if you think it's serious. I'm sure you'd rather be safe than sorry."  
  
"Okay." Rory nodded nervously, her mind reeling from the overload of information she'd been given. "Is that everything?"  
  
"Pretty much. I'm going to let you get dressed now and the nurse will give you some pamphlets to take home. They cover everything we just talked about, so don't worry if it didn't all stick."  
  
"Thank you." Dr. Larson left and Rory started absently pulling on her clothes.  
  
***********  
  
"I can't be queen of denial anymore," Rory said quietly that night. She and Lorelai were curled on the couch, pretending to watch "Sorority Life". "This is really happening."  
  
"Yes it is. No denying that," Lorelai agreed. "Do you want to talk?"  
  
"I'm not having an abortion Mom." There, she'd said it.  
  
"I didn't think you would." Don't freak out, don't freak out. "So you're having a baby."  
  
"I don't know if I'm going to keep it. I'm thinking really hard about putting it up for adoption." Why did it hurt to say that?  
  
"That might be the smart thing to do. What about college? You're supposed to be starting Yale in less than two months."  
  
"It'll have to wait. I'm not going to class with my stomach sticking out two feet in front of me."  
  
"Can I ask why not?"  
  
"I don't want people staring at me like I'm some sort of freak. How many pregnant freshmen do you think are at Yale? I'll be the only one and it's all people will remember about me later. The first thing that will pop into their heads when my name comes up will be 'pregnant.' And if I give the baby up, I'll have to explain to so many people. I'd rather defer for the year."  
  
Before Lorelai could respond to the very persuasive argument, the phone rang. "Hold on just one minute." She grabbed the cordless and jabbed the 'talk' button. "Hello? Mom? What's wrong?" Lorelai felt her face go pale. "When? What happened? Are you okay?" Rory mouthed a question but Lorelai didn't respond. "Do you want us to come over? Okay, I'll see you in an hour." She disconnected the phone and stared down at her hands.  
  
"Mom what's wrong? What happened?"  
  
"Gran just died." 


	5. Chapter Five

Author's notes: My computer access has been severely limited, so updates make take some time. I am writing though, in a notebook that doesn't leave my side and I will finish this story. Right now, my problem is finding time to type and post.  
*****************  
Lorelai Elizabeth "Trix" Harrison Gilmore was laid to rest four days after her death, with all of Hartford society in attendance. She was one of the last of the Old Guard witch made the event all that more noteworthy. Her obituary ran for three columns and listed every charitable accomplishment she'd achieved for her entire 87 years, as well as background pieces on the surviving family.  
  
After the service, most of the mourners gathered back the Gilmore house. Richard promptly locked himself in his study leaving Emily and Lorelai to play hostess. Rory had come to the service and burial, but afterwards her intermittent morning sickness had returned and forced her to retire to her room at the Hartford house. While making endless small talk Lorelai wished more than once to have the pregnancy excuse to get her away from the crowd. The last of them didn't leave until nearly 6 that evening. Richard had yet to come out of his study despite all of Emily's efforts and Rory had fallen asleep around 4.  
  
"Well this was a day I'm in no hurry to repeat," Emily said as she sank down on the sofa. The caterer's staff was busily clearing away the last of the mess.  
  
"I can't say I am either." Lorelai poured herself some wine and joined Emily. She hadn't allowed herself to drink all day, knowing that she had to keep dozens of names straight and alcohol wasn't going to help. "Do you think Dad will be okay?"  
  
Emily sighed. "In time I think so. She'd been having chest pains more and more often and absolutely refused to see a doctor. The heart attack wasn't a complete surprise. He'll still have a hard time letting go though."  
  
"He and Gran were so close. I didn't even know her that well but I'll miss her as well. She was an interesting lady."  
  
"She certainly was. How many people send over their own mattresses when staying at their son's house?" Emily forced back the inappropriate laugh. "And now I'm changing the subject. How's Rory doing?"  
  
"Sick and tired. On Monday the doctor confirmed a bun in the oven and she's been throwing up ever since. I think the confirmation of her worst fears actually made things worse."  
  
"Lorelai, that's a disgusting term to use. Has she given any indication what she's going to do?"  
  
"She's not having an abortion but she's considering adoption."  
  
"Are you insane? She's thinking of keeping it?" Emily screeched.  
  
"Calm down. And keep your voice down, they can hear you in Boston," Lorelai shot back. "And why are you yelling at me?"  
  
"Because she is your daughter and it's your job to make sure she doesn't throw her life away. Are you encouraging her to keep the child?"  
  
"No. God Mom, way to be supportive. This is Rory's choice to make, not mine. And you don't get to decide either."  
  
"She'll never go to college if she keeps it, she'll end up struggling her whole life to make ends meet, the same way you have. You of all people should know what lie ahead for her."  
  
"Would you please calm down?" Lorelai snapped, barely holding onto her temper. "I didn't say she was keeping it. I said she wasn't having an abortion. And the way I remember it, you rejected abortion pretty quickly 18 years ago when Straub brought it up."  
  
"That was different. You weren't raped by some stranger. You knew who the father was. She has no idea. How on earth will she be able to even look at that child and not resent it?"  
  
"I don't know. I'm worrying about the same thing. But it is not my place or your place to tell Rory what to think or what to feel. It's not. All I can do is support her the best I can. If you can't do that, you need to tell me right now."  
  
"Of course I'll support her. But you can't expect me to keep my opinion to myself. She's self destructing. What if she keeps that baby just because you kept her? Have you thought about that?"  
  
Lorelai took a deep breath. She was not going to lose her temper. This was the day of her grandmother's funeral and she was not going to make it memorable by fighting with her mother. She had more control and tact than that. "I have thought about that. A lot. And I have come to the conclusion that Rory will do what she wants to do, no matter what I say or do. I trust her to think with her head and her heart and not let other people pressure her on her decision. I need you to please understand that. You don't have to agree with me, but you do have to not pressure Rory. I mean it. This is hard enough for her without the two of us at each other's throats."  
  
Emily scowled but backed down. Lorelai was making sense. Rory was going to have to decide this one for herself.  
  
*******************  
  
The will was read two days later. Trix's lawyer had been traveling in Europe and hadn't heard of her passing until the day of the funeral. Much sooner than either person liked, Rory and Lorelai found themselves sitting in the plush offices of a Boston law firm, waiting for Emily and Richard to show up.  
  
"Sorry to be so late. Traffic was simply terrible on the interstate." Emily hustled into the office with Richard right behind her.  
  
"Hello Rory, Lorelai." Richard was very subdued, as was to be expected. "I'm surprised you beat us here."  
  
"I forced Mom out the door on time for once," Rory responded as she rose to hug her grandparents. "How are you?"  
  
"I should be asking you that question. Are you feeling up to being here today?"  
  
"I feel fine Grandpa." Before any further inquiries could take place, the probate attorney had arrived to read Trix's will.  
  
The document was short and to the point. Save for a few special bequests and her London house, all her property, stocks and bonds were to be sold. The proceeds from those sales were to go back into her already considerable estate. The estate itself was evenly divided. $10 million went to various charities, $10 million went to Richard and Emily, along with the London property, and $5 million each was given to Lorelai and Rory.  
  
**************  
  
For the first time in Gilmore history, Lorelai was shocked into silence. The ride back to Stars Hollow had been complete silent as each of the car's occupants contemplated the amount of money they'd been left.  
  
"It doesn't seem real, does it?" Rory broke the silence, unable to bear it any longer. "$5 million?"  
  
"I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. That's 10,000 pairs of Jimmy Choo's."  
  
"You're thinking in terms of shoes? I was thinking along the lines of property investment and long-term savings." Rory knew that this money could last for her lifetime if she was careful with it. "You can pay off the mortgage and now that Inn you and Sookie have been talking about can become reality."  
  
"Or, I can hit eBay and Amazon.com, and then head for 5th Avenue next weekend."  
  
"Only you could spend that much money in a weekend." Rory felt the bile rise in her throat and started frantically rolling down the window. "Stop the car!"  
  
Lorelai pulled over immediately and held Rory's hair back while she retched helplessly. The nausea didn't pass until Rory's stomach was completely empty and she'd spent several minutes dry heaving. "Maybe I should donate that money to finding a cure for morning sickness."  
  
Rory wiped her mouth and sat up. "There already is one. It's called 'don't get pregnant'," she said bitterly. Then started retching again. 


	6. Chapter Six

Author's note: In my story, Jess didn't leave and the Independence Inn didn't close. And before everyone tells me that Rory is out of character, keep in mind she is suppose to be acting this way.  
  
*******************************  
  
Time passed, as it always did. With her sudden windfall, Rory promptly quit her summer job at the Inn and stayed home. She saw no one but her family and went nowhere but her grandparents' home and the doctor's office. The nausea finally started to ease but the depression and lethargy remained.  
  
"Are you crazy Gilmore?" Paris, tired of not having her phone calls returned, showed up on the front porch and forced her way into the house. "I mean it. Have you lost your mind?"  
  
"Yes, Paris you can come in." Rory shut the door and tried to focus on the intense young woman in front of her. "What you doing here?"  
  
"I've been calling and emailing you for the last month, trying to make plans for this fall. Finally I give up hope of response, and call the school myself about rooming together like we talked about. Low and behold, Yale tells me you deferred for a year. What the hell is going on with you? Have you lost your mind?"  
  
"I'm pregnant Paris."  
  
For the first time in her life, Paris Gellar found herself without a reply to a statement. The first intelligible thought that entered her head was 'guh?' "What?"  
  
"Pregnant. It's not a hard concept. Sperm meets egg, nine months later a baby is born."  
  
"How can you be pregnant? You're a virgin."  
  
"That party." It was all Rory had to say. The recognition flashed instantly across Paris's face.  
  
"Oh God." Paris sat down on the couch, her hand to her mouth. "What are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm going to go eat some ice cream. Then I plan to brood over 'Judge Judy.' And you?"  
  
"Very funny." Her mind was racing a hundred miles per hour now, as she sorted through the solutions to the problem. No one would ever say that Paris Gellar didn't think fast. "Are you keeping it?"  
  
"I'm not having an abortion, if that's what you mean. As for the rest, I don't know." Rory decided that the simple approach would be best. She didn't have the energy to fight with Paris right now.  
  
"Then why aren't you going to school? You're going to need an education if you plan to raise the baby."  
  
"Paris, I don't have to explain myself to you." Maybe a fight would get some of this anger out of her chest. And who better to fight with than Paris?  
  
"That's rich Gilmore. You remember me? The person you agreed to be roommates with, the person who has told you all my deep, dark secrets, the person who found you at that party." Paris picked up on the edge in her voice and deliberated softened it. "You've helped me a lot over the last three years. If I can help you now, I'd like to. School starts in two weeks. You can still change your mind."  
  
"And accomplish what exactly? Be remembered as the knocked-up freshman for my entire college career? Give birth in the middle of the spring semester and miss exams? I know; how about I get stared at and asked inappropriate questions wherever I go? I'm showing now Paris. You can't see because of the sweatshirt but it's there. This little bulge that won't go away and will only get bigger. I've deferred for a year and that's that." Rory crossed her arms and fell silent.  
  
"I think you're making a terrible mistake. You put off school now, you might never get there. You'll find yourself caught up in diapers and day care, completely wasting your potential."  
  
"This isn't any of your business Paris," Rory shot back. She felt the familiar nausea rising in the back of her throat and willed it back. This wasn't the time. "I'm not going. I'll be there in a year, when you're a sophomore. I'm not putting it off forever, just for a year."  
  
"You're going to be bored out of your skull a week from now. You don't know how to not go to school."  
  
"No Paris, that's you." Rory stood and held open the front door. "Thank you for coming by Paris, I hope you do well in school."  
  
"I'll leave but don't think this is the end of this. You can't just self- destruct."  
  
"I'm not. But I am tired and Judge Judy started 10 minutes ago. I'll talk you later."  
  
**************  
  
"It won't zip!"  
  
"What won't zip?"  
  
"My 'fat' jeans. I can't get the zipper to move more than ½ an inch!" was Rory's frustrated reply. "Nothing fits me anymore!"  
  
Lorelai hurried into her daughter's room to soothe the latest fit of temper. The morning sickness had finally faded for good two weeks ago, but had been replaced by violent mood swings. "You are four and a half months pregnant. How are you just now discovering that your clothes are too small?"  
  
Rory didn't reply. She didn't want to call attention to just how much time she'd been spending in her baggy pajama's in the last few months. "What am I going to do?"  
  
"Wear some of my stuff today, and then buy new clothes. It's all you can do babe."  
  
"No. There has to be something else. I can't just keep getting fatter."  
  
Lorelai bit back the sarcastic laugh that was trying to fight its way out. "There isn't. Being pregnant means getting bigger. That's just the way it is. I'll take you to the mall tonight after work. Unless you'd like to go your own." Lorelai mentally cursed herself for making the offer but she'd seen the look in Rory's eye the minute she'd made the shopping offer. The last thing Rory wanted to do was shop for maternity clothes with her mother. She knew the answer she was going to get but it still hurt to hear it.  
  
"I'll just go after I find something to wear. You don't have to worry about taking me," Rory replied distantly.  
  
******************  
  
"She's driving me nuts Sookie!" Lorelai stormed into the kitchen at the Independence Inn in full rant mode. She'd even neglected to pick her morning caffeine at Luke's.  
  
"Okay, first calm down. Second, don't scream at the pregnant lady," Sookie replied from her throne. The kitchen staff had taken a vote of which the outcome was that at eight months pregnant, Sookie supervised as queen of the kitchen but didn't have to do any dirty work.  
  
"Sorry. That was incredibly bad of me your highness," Lorelai mocked bowed, then flopped down in the chair next to Sookie. "Did I offend thee?"  
  
"Not really. Bob almost cut off his little toe with a dropped knife earlier so the baby will be deaf no matter what. What's wrong sweetie?" The look on Lorelai's face was hard to miss.  
  
"Rory. Again. She needs bigger clothes and she won't let me go with her. Just another in a long line of things for me to worry about."  
  
"Are you sure you're not just jealous because she's closing herself off from you instead of sharing everything?" Off Lorelai's look, Sookie clarified herself. "You have history of jealousy you know."  
  
"It's not that. I wish I was just jealous. Under normal circumstances I would be but this is really bad." As quickly as the anger had come, Lorelai felt it slip away, replaced by the ever-gnawing worry that was always present in her gut these days. "She's so withdrawn. I don't think she gets out of bed most days when I'm not there. She never talks or smiles or even really looks at other people. Just stares at the TV or a book. She won't communicate with me or her friends. Paris stopped by the other day and Rory nearly took her head off."  
  
"Well as least she told you about that." Sookie tried to offer encouragement.  
  
"She didn't. Paris stopped by to talk to me. She's very worried about Rory. I know she's been through a lot. A traumatic experience, that's just been compounded by the pregnancy but at some point she has to start coming back. And she's not. She's slipping further away."  
  
"Have you thought about getting her talk to someone, a counselor maybe?"  
  
"She won't go. She's intent on staying in the house until after the baby comes. According to Rory, it's too embarrassing to walk around outside now that's she's showing. She's trying to hide it."  
  
"Talk to her doctor. Maybe she's depressed. She has good reason."  
  
"I know. I can't imagine being in her shoes right now. When I got pregnant with Rory, the circumstances were completely different. I don't know how to help her. I don't know if I can." 


	7. Chapter Seven

Author's notes:  
  
Here's chapter 7. I know I'll get flames for Emily's behavior but let's not forget she tends to lay a lot blame on Lorelai when it is not deserved. I really don't think she's acting out of character.  
  
I'm going out of town for two weeks so don't expect any updates for awhile. But the good news is I've finished working out the story in my head and I think you will like the ending I have planned. All I have to do now is get it written.  
  
*********************************************  
  
"You could have helped her by insisting she have an abortion. It's not too late. Then everything can go back to normal." Lorelai immediately regretted spilling to her mother just how worried she was about Rory. "That's what you should have done in the first place, and then none of this would have happened."  
  
Lorelai took a deep breath and counted to ten. Twice. "Mom, I am going to proceed on the assumption that you did not just blame me for what happened to Rory. And I'm going to tell you once again that I will not tell my daughter what to do when the decision is this big. Neither you nor I nor Dad can make this kind of choice for her. The stakes are too big."  
  
"Explain just what stakes there are here. Rory has an abortion, she's no longer depressed over her pregnancy and her life can go back to the way it was before any of this mess happened."  
  
"No Mom, her life won't go back to the way it was. It's changed. It's going to stay changed. She always have carried that baby, always felt it move and listened to it's heartbeat at the doctor's office. There is no way to make it go away forever. She has made the choice to go through with the pregnancy and the last thing I'm going to do is make her doubt herself. And if you or Dad put pressure on Rory to change her mind, I swear I will never, ever speak to or see you again." The steely resolve in Lorelai's voice told Emily she wasn't kidding. So she tried a different tact.  
  
"She's only keeping it because you kept her. Don't you see? She thinks that becoming a teen mother is the only thing she can do, because she was raised by one. You heard that speech at graduation. She worships the ground you walk one and now she'll follow you down the same path. Single parenthood, raising a baby on her own and a lot of wasted potential. This is the influence you've had on your daughter Lorelai."  
  
She would not start screaming. She would not start screaming. She would not start screaming. "I am closing this conversation before I say something I regret. As always, it was pleasant talking to you Mother." Lorelai hung up the phone and willed herself not to cry. She lasted all of 30 seconds before the tears started falling.  
  
___________________ 1988 __________________________  
  
"Mommy?"  
  
"Yes sweetie?" Rory looked very serious as she settled herself on the couch. Lorelai forced herself not to laugh  
  
"How come Lane has a daddy and I don't? Why doesn't my daddy live with us?"  
  
Oh God. Lorelai had been dreading this question since the day Rory had been born. She was only four now, and Lorelai hadn't really been expecting that question to surface for a few more years. But Rory had always been ahead of the curve. She was already reading. "That's a good question baby. Why are you asking?" Stall. Buy some time. Concentrate on not flipping out.  
  
"Cause Lane said Daddies are supposed to live at home, not in Calfornia." She could read but pronunciation was still in the works for hard words.  
  
"Cal-i-for-nia" Lorelai corrected automatically. "Daddy lives in California, not Calfornia."  
  
"Why?" came the insistent little voice.  
  
"Because he's happy there. That's just the way it worked out. We live here at the Inn and Daddy lives in California." Lorelai forced her voice to stay light and not let the bitterness creep in. "Does it bother you that Daddy doesn't live with us?"  
  
"No. There's no room for him." She waved one pudgy hand around to illustrate her point. All Rory remembered was little shed were she had lived for the last three years and in her head it was the perfect place for her, her mother and no one else. "He won't fit."  
  
Lorelai looked around. Rory was right. There was no space for another person in this shed. In fact, there was barely room for the current occupants. "No, I guess he wouldn't."  
  
"It's okay. I like you better." Rory crawled into her mother's lap. "I don't need Daddy."  
  
______________________ 2003 ____________________  
  
The tears fell for more than an hour.  
  
**************************  
  
"This can't go on." Lorelai pulled the book out of Rory's hands and forced the teenager to look at her.  
  
"Give it back." Rory reached for the book but in her condition couldn't move as fast as her mother. "What the hell?"  
  
"Rory something is really wrong with you. I'm worried." She set the book on the mantel and sat down beside her daughter. "Day by day you're slipping away from the world. You're losing weight when you should be gaining it. You won't leave the house unless it's to go to the doctor. You aren't communicating with anyone. I don't know how to help you. I don't know what to say to reassure you or comfort you and I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. That you'll turn suicidal over this." Lorelai was brutally honest. She was fairly certain that nothing less would get Rory's attention.  
  
"Mom I'm fine, okay? Just chill out. I'm not Mary Sunshine for reason you know." Rory pulled away with the intention of closeting herself in her room. "I was raped. I'm pregnant. I couldn't start school on time. I'm getting fatter by the day and people stare when I go out. I'm so sorry I couldn't continue to be your perfect kid but things happen." She turned around to leave.  
  
Lorelai pulled her back. "No. You are not walking away from this. I know you have been through hell. I'm not expecting you to behave as you always have. And I damn well don't expect you to the perfect kid. You are human. I know this. But your behavior is going too far. This isn't normal Rory. You can't pretend the world doesn't exist. That that baby doesn't exist. I've tried that. I have tried shutting out the world. It doesn't work. You have to face up to what was done to you and you have to start trying to move past it. At the very least you have to start making plans for the baby." She was yelling now, which had never been her intention. "I hate this. I wish more than anything you could have the perfect life, the one you deserve, the one you can still have if you try. You are my daughter and I couldn't protect you and you got hurt and I hate that. I can't do anything to change what happened no matter how much you or I want me to. But I can do something now. I don't know how to help you Rory. I don't know what to do or say or even how to act. I want you see a therapist."  
  
"What!? You think I'm crazy? Poor little Rory, she's knocked up so she must be out of her mind! No way!" Once again she tried to jerk free from her mother's grip but Lorelai was strong.  
  
"Rory, please! I'm begging you. I don't think you're crazy. I think you have so much locked up inside you that it's making you depressed. I just want to you see someone who might be able to help you. That's all. Please!" Lorelai could feel tears streaming down her cheeks as pleaded with Rory. When has she started crying? 


	8. Chapter Eight

Author's notes: I know, I know, I haven't updated in forever. But here is a new chapter with more forthcoming. I finally have decent computer access again. And I know a lot of this is not canon, but that's the whole point of fanfic. It's a do-over.  
  
AN 2: I'd like to point out that I am not a mental health professional and that nothing written in this story comes from any place but my mind. I have no idea how therapy works. Don't take my stuff as the Holy Writ please.  
  
"I don't want to be here." These were the first words Rory uttered to Dr. Katherine 'Kat' Riley, M.D. "I don't need to be here."  
  
"I don't think you're crazy Rory," was the non-committal reply. "I think you're a young woman who's angry and hurting from events beyond your control. You don't want to be here, but you are and that has to mean something."  
  
"It means my mother thinks I'm crazy and suicidal."  
  
"Can I tell you what I think?" Dr. Riley didn't wait for a response. "I think you find the very idea of therapy to be offensive, because it means you have to admit that you can't handle something all by yourself. You've only come to reassure your mother and to prove her wrong. You have no intention of participating in these sessions; instead you plan to sit here until I get tired of talking to you and getting no response." She leaned forward. "Let me tell you something Rory. I've been doing this for a long time. I specialize in the treatment of victims of sexual assault. There is no horror story I have not heard. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I was able to help every single one of those women but I will tell you that I helped most of them. They were able to reclaim their lives and go back to living, without letting a horrific event control them. I'd like to be able to do that for you as well."  
  
"You don't know anything." Rory's reply was just as bitter as before. She folded her arms across her chest and refused to look at the psychiatrist.  
  
"I know some. You're the only child of single mother. She had you at 16 and you've spent most of your life trying to make for all things she didn't get to do when she was your age. You've been a good girl for almost your entire life, an excellent student, a good friend and damned near perfect daughter and granddaughter. You've managed to achieve just about every goal you set for yourself and just when you're on the cusp of flying free to reap your rewards, it all comes crashing down through absolutely no fault of your own. You didn't do anything wrong and yet you're being punished. You feel bad inside, dirty and used as though you aren't a person anymore. And to top everything off, you're now responsible for the child of the bastard that did this to you. Am I at all close here?"  
  
For the first time Rory felt a flicker of emotion in her that wasn't just anger. Not any of the few people who knew what had happened to her had spoken to this way to her over her increasingly erratic behavior. Instead, they all preferred to offer sympathy and let her do whatever she wanted, telling her that everything would be okay. "I get it. You're a psychic. Well call Miss Cleo; I'm sure she could use the help." But the rancor in Rory's voice was just a little softer than it had been before.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Rancor, venom, bitterness. Kat Riley had been working with victims of sexual assault and abuse since she'd earned her MD. She hadn't been lying when she told Rory she'd heard it all. In response, Dr. Riley had developed a very thick armor over the years which enabled her to treat her patients without becoming emotionally involved. She'd learned long ago not to take her cases personally and to leave everything at the office when she ended her working day. She could go home to her husband and children and not dwell on the pain she'd learned about that day.  
  
A tall woman who's Mediterranean looks belied her Irish surname, Dr. Riley had known from the age of 14 that she would be a psychiatrist, one that helped women. At that same age, Kat had become a rape victim, grabbed by a stranger on her way home from school. He had never been caught. Years in therapy to move past the assault had left wanting to do the same for other women. To heal herself, she worked to heal others.  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
"Are you allowed to be telling me any of this? Rory's 18, doesn't doctor-patient privilege apply here?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"Rory signed a release allowing me to discuss her condition with you." Dr. Riley was quick to reassure her patients' mother. "My initial diagnosis is that Rory is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD for short. Her symptoms are classic: mood swings, irritability, nightmares, panic attacks, trouble sleeping. She's also showing signs of mild depression."  
  
"My God." Lorelai sank down on the sofa, feeling like she'd been punched in the gut. "I knew there was something wrong, but panic attacks? Nightmares? I didn't know. How did I not see it?"  
  
"She was hiding her symptoms from you. Rory didn't want you see that anything was wrong. And when you did realize that her behavior was becoming extreme, you recognized that you didn't know how to help her so you brought her someone who could. You haven't done anything wrong here Lorelai. You can't blame yourself."  
  
"Do you have kids Dr. Riley?"  
  
"Yes, I have four of them. Two girls, two boys."  
  
"Then you know."  
  
"Getting back to Rory." Dr. Riley wasn't a cold woman, but her experienced eyes told her that if permitted, Lorelai would allow her own strength to falter and therefore reinforce to her daughter that the world had forever crumbled. To save Rory, Lorelai had to keep her own painful emotions well hidden, at least around the younger girl. "The usual course of treatment is to start the patient on anti-depressants and combine the medication with regular therapy appointments. But the pregnancy precludes the use of drugs."  
  
"Right, it's bad for the baby." Lorelai felt herself forcing back the familiar feelings of guilt and kept her mind focused on the matters at hand. Helping Rory. "So what needs to happen now?"  
  
"While Rory is suffering from emotional trauma, I don't see any evidence that she is a danger to herself or others. She's not non- functioning. So right now, we stick to therapy only. If this changes, then medication will have to be considered, despite the baby. I want to see her twice a week to begin with and we'll see how it goes from there." Dr. Riley spoke in her most straightforward manner. She'd picked up immediately that Lorelai had to be told everything as plainly as possible, to prevent her from imagination in check.  
  
"Two sessions a week? She's that bad?" And there was the guilt again.  
  
"Mental and emotional trauma is not something that can be measured in terms of bad or good. Right now Rory is emotionally tied up in knots. My job is to help her untie those knots so she can resume her life. I can't tell you how long that process will take, or how easy or difficult it may be. I can tell you that I'm very good at what I do and I will do my very best to help Rory."  
  
"What can I do?" The parent instinct was kicking in now.  
  
"Try to keep her life as normal as possible. Don't treat her with kid gloves. Do your best to pry her out of the house and encourage interaction with other people. Allowing her to continue hiding will hurt her progress. Be smart though. Don't force her to do anything against her will. She'll come around eventually. You might start by stopping somewhere on the way home, just to run an errand. Don't ask her to come in with you, just act like you assume she that she will. She'll get the idea in time."  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Once again, the car ride home was silent save for the radio. Rory stared out the window, watching the scenery slip by while Lorelai concentrated on driving.  
  
"Why are we stopping here?" Rory shook herself out of her reverie to find the jeep parked in front of the diner.  
  
"We need dinner; there's no food in the house. Come on." Lorelai got out the car before Rory could protest and forced herself not to look behind to see if her daughter was following. Just as she opened the door to the diner, she heard the car door slam. Lorelai let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.  
  
"Luke, can I get a couple of burgers and fries to go?" The diner was pretty slow at the moment and they could easily have eaten in, but Lorelai didn't want to push her luck with Rory.  
  
"No problem." Luke's eyes has slightly bugged out of his head when he saw Rory walk in, but he didn't say anything. "You want coffee with that?"  
  
"For me, yes."  
  
"Could I have milk instead please?" Rory's voice was so quiet Luke almost didn't hear her. She'd very carefully seated herself at the counter, allowing it to shield her belly from casual view.  
  
"Sure. I'll have your order ready in about 10 minutes."  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
The quick stop at the diner didn't bring about an immediate change in Rory. She still remained in the house during the day, watching daytime TV and re-reading favorite books. But ever so slowly, she began to interact more with her mother. She resumed going to Hartford for dinner at her grandparents house and made more of an effort to participate in the evenings, rather than remaining silent the way she had been in the past. Lorelai hadn't told her parents that Rory was seeing a psychiatrist, but had instead given them a creative version of 'Rory's doctor recommended' when asking them to help her in bringing the girl back out of her shell. The pregnancy wasn't mentioned unless Rory brought it up, but other than that, conversation returned to normal and mainly centered on the month Emily and Richard were planning to spend in London to settle Trix's affairs there. The formal property transfers had to be taken care of before year end for tax purposes. Hopefully, the money left to Rory and Lorelai would be transferred by Christmas, giving Lorelai plenty of time to have the Dragonfly opened by her goal date of July 4th.  
  
By the time a month had passed, Rory had adjusted to seeing Dr. Riley twice a week and had even mentioned in passing to Lorelai that it did help to be able to talk to the doctor. Of course, therapy didn't work overnight miracles and Rory was still silent and reclusive a great deal of the time, but there was light at the end of the tunnel.  
  
"I'm still having bad dreams," Rory said at her next session. "They're different though. I don't dream about Him anymore," 'Him' was the code word for the rapist, "but more about the baby."  
  
"What happens in those dreams?"  
  
"Different stuff. Sometimes I'll put the baby down and forget where I left it. Or that it drowns when I'm giving it a bath." Rory tried to ignore her gyrating abdomen as she spoke. The baby always got really active during the sessions, probably because he or she could sense the tension in Rory's body. "I keep hurting Thumper and I'm powerless to stop it."  
  
"Thumper?"  
  
"That's what Mom calls it. She said the baby kicks so much that it must be like carrying around Thumper from Bambi."  
  
"Sound like your mother is excited about the baby."  
  
"More than I am at least." Rory looked away, still ashamed that she couldn't seem to summon up excitement over the impending birth. "It's funny, I hate these dreams where the baby gets hurt, but at the same time I don't really want the baby. I don't wish it any harm and I'll do what I have to for a save delivery, but I don't feel maternal at all."  
  
"A lot of expectant mothers feel this way. You're going through something huge, both physically and emotionally. Your hormones are going haywire as well. Dreams like these are very common. It doesn't mean you're going to be a bad mother."  
  
"That's just it. I don't know if I want to be a mother. I'm really leaning towards putting the baby up for adoption. I just haven't made up my mind yet."  
  
"You have about four months to go." Dr. Riley decided then to change the subject a little bit. Giving the baby up had to be Rory's choice and discussing it in therapy, when she was already vulnerable wasn't a good idea. She might end up allowing herself to be influenced. "How's your journal going? Is it helping you to put your thoughts down on paper?"  
  
"A little," Rory admitted. "I didn't realize my father bothered me so much."  
  
"Why do you think he bothers you?"  
  
"For a really long time he was kind of this non-entity. He'd call every so often or even more rarely I'd see him. Those are the only times I really thought about him. It's not like I missed him, you know? Mom did such a good job being both parents that I really never felt neglected or shortchanged."  
  
"But now your feelings have changed."  
  
"A couple of years ago. He started coming around more often. He even moved to Boston and got a real, steady job. He grew up and started making serious noises about us being a real family." Rory let out a bitter laugh. "I actually believed him. How stupid was I? The day he told me that he and Mom were going to try to really make it work, his girlfriend told him she was pregnant. Georgia Hayden will be one in January. My ½ sister. Dad and Sherry got married right after she was born."  
  
"Did you go to the wedding?"  
  
"Against my better judgment. I felt really guilty too, the whole time, like I was being disloyal to Mom. She wasn't there. She was invited but said no. And then said that I should go, that Chris was my dad and that I should be at his wedding, despite any problems *she* was having with him."  
  
"What happened while you were there?"  
  
"Chris's parents were in attendance, cooing over the baby and showing her around as their 'first grandchild'."  
  
"That must have hurt you terribly."  
  
Rory frowned. "That's the weird part. I didn't care what they thought. I'd only seen them once before that and I learned then that they are judgmental, snobby people that I really don't care about. The part that hurt was that Chris knew what they were saying and didn't do anything. It felt like he secretly agreed with them."  
  
"How did that make you feel?"  
  
"Like there's something wrong with me." Rory stared off into space, lost in her thoughts. "He couldn't grow up enough to be *my* father, but he could for Georgia. What's so wrong with me? I know he was young when Mom got pregnant but so she and she managed to get herself together."  
  
"Does your mother know what happened at the wedding?"  
  
Rory shook her head. "I don't see the point in telling her. I know what will happen if I do. She'll get really angry at Dad, he'll apologize to settle her down and Mom will feel guilty for not going to the wedding with me and standing up to the Haydens. I don't want her to feel that way. Telling Mom won't undo anything and will just cause more problems."  
  
"Does your father know you're pregnant?"  
  
"No. I asked Mom not to tell him and she said that she can't hide something this huge, but then it never came up again. I haven't seen him since the wedding. Traveling with the baby is 'difficult' and the apartment they live in is 'crammed to the gills'. We don't talk very often either. I keep thinking I should tell him but I don't want to deal with the consequences."  
  
"What would the consequences be?"  
  
"He'll rush down here to play the concerned daddy, the same way he did when I broke my arm, and when I came out."  
  
Dr. Riley's eyebrows rose a bit. "Came out?"  
  
"Not that kind. I mean came out to society. White dress, official debut, that kind of came out. I was so thrilled at the time that he came but now that I look back it should have been Mom presenting me. God knows she earned it. He's not here for the day-to-day stuff and she is. Chris just rides in on his white horse every so often, thinking that should be enough. I think he's finally figured out that he never did enough and that it might just be too late to fix our relationship. I don't need him. I don't think I ever did and he knows it. I'm pretty sure that's why he's stopped making the little effort he used to. Chris knows it's useless. At least maybe he'll have learned with me and won't do the same thing to Georgia."  
  
"How do you feel about your sister?"  
  
Rory sighed impatiently. "She's just a baby. I can't blame her for any of this. It's not her fault that her father never learned the meaning of 'birth control' and 'how to be a decent human being'."  
  
"You're blaming your father for many things here. Why don't you blame your mother? You told me a couple of weeks ago that Chris did propose when she told him she was pregnant and that she had refused. You've also said that your mother wasn't forced to leave her parents house when you were born. It was her choice to move to Stars Hollow and support you on your own. Both of those choices that *she* made effected the way *you* grew up."  
  
"Are you trying to drive me crazy? I've asked myself that stuff a million times. You're right; Mom did make choices that affected me greatly. And the conclusion I reach every time I think about them is that she made the right ones. She wasn't ready for marriage and given the way they get along now, I'm glad she didn't marry Chris. I may not have grown- up in a two parent household, but it was stable. Mom didn't even start dating again until I was 11, and then only because I told her it would be okay. Our house was always filled with love and laughter. We did things our way, a team. My mom is my best friend. I don't think anyone knows me better than she does. My mother has never made me feel bad about myself or pressured me to be anyone but me. She has always supported the decisions I've made and at the same time, kept me from acting crazy or letting me do something dangerous or stupid. I do the exact same things for her. Because she raised me as an equal, I've never felt like I had to keep secrets from her or rebel against her. Grandma and Grandpa did the exact opposite raising Mom. Her opinion was never consulted, not even to the clothes that were purchased for her or what college she wanted to attend. She was only allowed to socialize with children of their friends, kids with the exact same upbringing. She had no control over her life growing up, so that when she hit her teens and rebelled, she really rebelled. She did everything that she knew my grandparents wouldn't approve up, up until the day she found out I was on the way. Even then, she had to be the kind of parent she thought I deserved, not the parent Grandma and Grandpa thought she should be. She moved to Stars Hollow and worked to support us because she felt it was wrong to live off her parents. She didn't want me growing up the way she had. I'm not saying my grandparents aren't wonderful people. They love Mom and me very much. But they and Mom have very different personalities, which made her growing up years difficult for all of them." Rory took a breath, aware that she was ranting. Another deep breath helped calm her down a bit. "If she and Chris had married, I would have been dragged through a divorce at a young age. Mom may act very immature but on the stuff that matters, she is an adult in every sense of the word. Chris was not at all mature then and he may not be now. They wouldn't have made it. As for staying in Hartford, Mom would have been miserable along with my grandparents and those bad feelings would have spilled onto me. She did the right thing." 


	9. Chapter Nine

Since the day she'd broken up with him, Rory hadn't seen Jess. She didn't return his phone calls, respond to his letters and emails, and pretended not to be home when he came by the house looking for her. She thought he'd finally given up. She was wrong. "Jess."  
  
"Rory." He got up from where he was sitting on the front steps, standing awkwardly the way he had done that long ago day at Sookie's wedding. Unsure of himself, uncomfortable but unable to stay away or flee.  
  
She saw his eyes flick down and take in the swollen belly that her overalls no longer hid. Her first instinct was to cover her stomach with her hands and try to hide but she forced the impulse back. Her conversations with Dr. Riley were slowly getting her accept the baby as a part of her life. Besides, he'd already seen it. Rory kept her hands where they were, at her side. "How are you Jess?"  
  
"I'm all right." He was standing in front of her now, looking like he wanted to reach out and touch her. Rory took a tactful step back. "I started classes at the community college."  
  
"That's good." Rory lowered herself on the steps and bit back the sigh of relief. Her ankles had been bothering her lately. "Do you have a favorite?"  
  
"English literature, I think. We've been talking about Edmund Spencer and Thomas Moore. I'm thinking I might want to major in Lit." The topic was safe, neutral. There was no delving into the past, at least not yet. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm fat and crazy." Rory had no idea where the words came from and clapped a hand over mouth in horror the moment they escaped. "Sorry. 'I'm all right' is what I meant to say."  
  
Jess shot his patented 'I smell bullshit' look at her. "And Taylor's throwing my next birthday party. Truth Rory."  
  
She sighed, not wanting to go into it but not having the mental energy to lie. "Mom dragged me to a physiatrist about a month ago and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I can't take medication because of Thumper here so now I'm in therapy two days a week. Hence, the crazy."  
  
"Thumper?" Jess took the easy question first.  
  
Rory explained about the baby's nickname, drawing a soft chuckle from Jess. "The fat is pretty self explanatory."  
  
"You don't look that bad. Kind of softer and rounder now than you used to."  
  
"That's because I'm only in my sixth month. I'm going to get a lot bigger before this is over."  
  
Jess shifted uncomfortably at this frank mention of pregnancy, but still asked the question that weighed on his mind. "Do you know what you're going to do?"  
  
"No. I keep thinking about keeping it but I can't seem to come to a clear decision." Rory shivered slightly, both from the cooling evening air and the topic of conversation. "What are you doing here Jess?"  
  
"I miss you. I still don't understand why you broke up with me." No more sliding around the hard topics.  
  
Rory let out a bitter laugh. "We just finished discussing the reason. I have cause to be fat Jess; this isn't my lifetime diet of junk food and coffee catching up with me. I'm pregnant, with a baby that isn't yours. I think that's a damn good reason to break up."  
  
"But it's not like you cheated on me. You can't help that any of this happened. So why punish both you and me when neither of us did anything wrong?"  
  
"What if I keep the baby Jess? Is that what you want? A screaming infant around 24/7? A girlfriend who can't ever put you first? Who's damaged goods on top of being an unwed mother? *I* wouldn't want that and I won't subject you to it. You're better off without me Jess. Go find someone else, someone who hasn't screwed her life all to hell. I won't drag you down with me." Rory hauled herself to her feet and headed back into the house. She didn't want Jess to see her tears. "Go home. Forget about me."  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********  
  
"Mom I am not going to explain it again. Jess and I are over. I thought you'd be happy. You haven't exactly been a member of the Jess fan club."  
  
"The kid grew on me. And you're making a mistake Rory. Hand me another trash bag, would you?" The two women were cleaning out Lorelai's closet, which was threatening to explode from overcrowding. Despite all past protests against getting rid of clothing, Lorelai had finally conceded that her closet was too full. "Don't cut yourself off from the people that care about you."  
  
"I'm not. I'm thinking of Jess's best interests here. He's worked very, very hard to get where he is and I won't be responsible for dragging him down."  
  
"Just for breaking his heart, huh?"  
  
"That's low." Rory ducked her head so that her mother wouldn't see that the words had stung. "And that's my shirt you're giving to Goodwill."  
  
"You haven't worn it in two years. Jess is a big boy and he can think for himself. He knows about the baby. He knows what he's trying to get himself into and he loves you. Why can't you accept that?"  
  
"How can he know what he's getting into? *I* don't know what's going to happen when Thumper's born. I can't sort out one feeling from another these days, not without breaking down in tears or feeling like I want to rip someone's head off. I'm not comfortable being involved with anyone right now. I just can't handle it. And who are you to be pushing this subject anyway? You didn't start dating until I was 11."  
  
"That's actually my point. Do you want to spend the next twelve years lonely? Kids are wonderful but it's a long time before they make good companions."  
  
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. This bag's full." Rory tied it closed and reached for another. "How much is left to sort though?"  
  
"Shoes, sweaters and dresses."  
  
"This is the never-ending task." Rory added her full bag to the pile by the door. "How have you accumulated this much clothing?"  
  
"Very carefully my dear. I haven't thrown anything away since 1985." They continued to work for a few more minutes, neither one speaking until Lorelai broke the silence. "Your grandparents called yesterday, about Thanksgiving."  
  
"I'm not going."  
  
"You haven't even heard what the plans are yet."  
  
"A dinner party at Grandma's, with a bunch of her and Grandpa's friends who'll make polite chit-chat all evening while discreetly staring at my stomach and gossiping about me unmercifully on their way home. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful holiday."  
  
"Actually, Grandpa managed to get tickets to the Macy's grandstand. We've been invited to join them in New York for the weekend. Grandma's already booked rooms at the Carlyle."  
  
"I still don't want to go."  
  
"Bull. You've wanted to see that parade live since you were six years old. There is no good reason for you stay home. This time I put my foot down: we're going."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Lorelai sighed. Her wonderful daughter had been taken over by this surly, argumentative pod person. When would the real Rory return? "Because it's a generous invitation. Because there is no good reason to say no. Because you're in danger of turning into a hermit. Because I'm finally getting along rather well with my parents the way you've bugging me to for years. Take your pick and make sure you bring a nice outfit. I know we'll be eating in at least one fancy restaurant."  
  
"You can't make me go."  
  
"How old are you? 'You can't make me' is the response of a five-year- old. Thanksgiving in New York: the parade, some shopping, a show and a couple of nice dinners. If we're lucky, maybe it'll snow for us and make everything pretty."  
  
Rory sighed. "You won't let me of this will you?"  
  
"I cannot make you go but I can say that *you* will explain to the Gilmores why you aren't present for the holiday. You want to stay home, you can but know that I *am* going and I will not be responsible for making any excuses for you." Lorelai kept her voice light, as if she was chatting about a party. She figured that sounding angry would just make it harder to convince Rory to make a Thanksgiving appearance.  
  
"All right, all right. I'll go." Rory threw another pair of shoes into her garbage bag. "When are you hauling all this stuff to Goodwill?"  
  
"Tomorrow evening while you're at your appointment."  
  
"Okay." Rory tied the last bag shut, then stood to stretch. Her back was stiff. "How did you accumulate so much junk?"  
  
"Bite your tongue. This is not *junk*." Lorelai looked at the mound of filled bags. "I haven't thrown away anything since 1985. Most of this stuff are *classics*."  
  
"At least the less fortunate will benefit from your pronounced pack- rat tendencies."  
  
**************************************************************************** *********  
  
"So what would be the worst thing to happen over Thanksgiving?" Dr. Riley asked the next evening. "You're obviously very worried."  
  
"Grandma and Grandpa treating me weird. Or Mom fighting with them all weekend." The answers were automatic.  
  
"What about people seeing you and commenting on the pregnancy? You've said several times that you feel concerned about people noticing your condition."  
  
"I'm not really thinking about that. I just don't want to spend a long weekend listening to Mom bicker with my grandparents. I can't make an easy escape the way I can at home."  
  
"I'm hearing concerns about your family but nothing about being seen in public while visibly pregnant. Yet, you still refuse to go out at home. That's a lot of conflict in your behavior patterns."  
  
"People know me in Stars Hollow. In New York I'll be anonymous."  
  
"Do you believe people at home will judge you?"  
  
"I don't know!" The words exploded in a painful burst. "I don't think so but-"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What if they do?" An anguished whisper. "What if Jess gets blamed? What if they think I lied about being raped, just to protect him? What if they start whispering behind my back, about how I'm a slut or a whore or something? I love Stars Hollow. I couldn't stand not being able to live there the way I do now."  
  
"But you don't trust the other people in the town, the same people you profess to love living around. Does anyone there know what was done to you?"  
  
"A few. Mom, obviously. Her friend Sookie and probably Sookie's husband Jackson. Jess. Luke. I don't know for sure about anybody else."  
  
"Did any of the people you just named react badly?"  
  
"No. But they were all sympathetic which is even worse. I don't want sympathy; I just wanted to be treated like normal. I'm the town's golden girl. Have I ever told you that?"  
  
"No. What do you mean?"  
  
"In their eyes I can do no wrong. When Dean dumped me, Luke put him in a headlock for hurting me. They were practically fighting in the middle of town. When Jess and I had the car accident, he got all the blame. I know that Taylor and Miss Patty and all the rest aren't really going to make snarky comments about being an unwed mother. But I'll have to hear 'oh how horrible' and 'is there anything I can do?' for *years*. They'll never look at me the same way again. I don't want to be stared or walk in someplace and *know* they all just stopped talking about me. I don't want to explain what happened."  
  
"Is there anyway, besides hiding, that you could prevent these things from happening?"  
  
"Why are you pushing this? What does it matter if I go out or not?"  
  
"Because hiding solves nothing. Now I'm not saying you need to put up on a billboard what happened to you. Some things are private. But I am saying that there comes a point when you have to face the fact that the world still exists and that you have to live in it. What are you going to do 10 years from now if something bad happens? Hide? That's not a coping mechanism, that's just a bad habit. You can't gain anything from hiding. You may feel safe but look at the life you lead. Never going anywhere, never doing or experiencing anything, never talking to your friends. That's not a life. Hiding gives you the illusion of safety and you stand to lose a lot by indulging in it."  
  
"Fine." Rory didn't roll her eyes but her tone made her position clear. "I guess I could talk to Miss Patty, tell her the truth. Telling her or Babette anything is the quickest way to spread something all over town."  
  
"Would either of them distort what you told them?"  
  
"They might on small stuff but not on something this important."  
  
"So, if you told either one of them that you didn't want any sympathy and that you wanted everyone to treat you normally, then that would be the message they spread? Or if you were adamant that Jess didn't get you pregnant?"  
  
"Probably." 


	10. Chapter Ten

Author's note: I have returned! And after only over a year. Once again, I'm going to stress that I am not a medical professional in any sense of the word. Do not take anything I've written in here as fact. And I wrote the fight between Lorelai and Emily long before WBB ever aired. I've never really like Emily, she's much too cold but she is fun to write. So here goes Chapter 10 of Echoes.

True her nature, Rory considered Dr. Riley's suggestion of telling Babette or Patty what had happened, but in the end backed off. The seclusion she'd sought for the last few months had become so ingrained that she couldn't bring herself to break it. Even Jess had finally stopped trying to break through her shell. With Thanksgiving and the long weekend in New York rapidly approaching, Rory managed to put Dr. Riley's suggestion out of her mind.

"What am I supposed to wear to dinner on Thursday?" Rory yelled up the stairs to her mother's room.

"Clothes! Preferably cleans ones that match and cover all of the thing's that they're supposed to cover!" was the unhelpful reply.

"Try something a little more specific!"

"A nice dress with shoes, stockings and jewelry. Along with make-up and decent hair. Think that black dress from Pea in the Pod.'

"And could that store have been anymore more sickeningly named?" Rory grumbled to herself as she pulled the garment out of her closet and added it to her bag, along with the aforementioned shoes and jewelry. That was all she had left to pack. She didn't want to remember the trip to the maternity store at the mall, where the salesladies had either fawned over her belly or stared at her ring-less left hand. "And the rest of the time?"

"Anything that won't give your grandmother too much of an eye-twitch! That's my job!" Lorelai bounced down the stairs with her suitcase in tow. "For once, I'm on time, and to meet my parents to boot. Surely Satan must be lacing up those ice skates." She looked at Rory. "Can I ask why you plan to wear your bathrobe on the train?"

"Don't start Mom."

"We have to leave very soon or we'll be late. And if we're late, then I have to hear about it for the rest of the weekend. There will be pointed remarks, offers to buy me a watch, offers to come set our clocks to the correct time, and, quite possibly, unwelcome wake-up calls to our room. At least tell me that you're packed and that all you have to do is actually put on clothing. Clothing that right now doesn't even have to be nice or tasteful. Clothing that is simply clean and can be worn on the train to New York that we have to catch very soon. Did I mention we're going to be late?"

"And with the time you just wasted lecturing me, we'll be even later."

"Just get ready would you? And are you packed?"

"Yes Mother. Despite what you may believe, I haven't forgotten how to pack a suitcase just because I'm pregnant. You might have lost your mind when you went through it but not me."

Lorelai tried not to feel the lance of pain in her heart at the tone Rory used. It was the same tone she had directed at Emily so many times. The 'You're an idiot that I'm just barely tolerating' tone. Soon to be followed by the 'I don't care what you have to say and I'm not going to listen' tone. And the cold use of 'Mother'. Flinging the cherished title as a weapon. "Just hurry up please." The excitement over Thanksgiving in New York vanished. "I'm going to go put my bag in the Jeep. We're leaving in 10 minutes."

Rory regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Her mother was simply excited and actually looking forward to seeing her parents, an event that occurred very rarely. And here she was acting like a brat and taking all the shine off the trip. She ducked back into her room and yanked on a sweater and overalls, mentally cursing at herself the whole time. It was as though a pod person had taken over her body or something. She'd open her mouth and something completely different than what she intended to say came flying out. Pregnancy sucked.

They made the train with only two minutes to spare and the trip passed in near total silence. Lorelai pretended to go over paperwork for the Dragonfly, while Rory stared at a book but never turned a page. It wasn't until they were pulling into Grand Central that Lorelai finally spoke. "I really do get it that you have very little reason to be in a good mood but I'm asking you to please make an effort this weekend to at least fake one. Four days with your grandparents is going to be difficult enough, without you snapping at everyone. If you have to do it, can you please not let them in on the game? And also take into account that you've been after me for years to repair my relationship with them and that this weekend represents a huge step towards that goal. Be as nasty as you like to me, I don't really care. But please do your damndest to not let Emily and Richard hear." With that she rose, grabbed her bags and headed towards the exit. With a heavy heart, Rory followed. She'd really blown it this time.

Dinner passed nicely, if a bit quietly. If the elder Gilmores' thought anything was amiss between Rory and Lorelai they kept it to themselves. Plans were made to meet the next morning for the parade, and dinner at the Plaza after that. Of course Emily did slip a 'reminder' about the time for their reservations into the discussion but Lorelai let it go by unchallenged. One more indication of how distracted she was by Rory's attitude.

Somehow the weekend passed. Lorelai continued to act as though nothing was wrong, as if Rory had never lost her temper but Rory knew it was an act. Her mother smiled a little too brightly, laughed a little too loudly and said at all nothing to irritate her own parents. By Saturday Emily had finally noticed the change in Lorelai's behavior and to Rory's frustration began to make comments about how nice it was that Lorelai was finally acting her age and making it a pleasure to spend time with her. After the third such insulting compliment Rory was sure she saw her mother visibly flinch, as though in pain. The decent relations of the past few months seemed to fade as Emily hit her stride of put-downs. But when matters came to a head she wasn't there, having pled pregnancy fatigue to get out of drinks in the hotel lounge.

"This is just so nice. What a lovely weekend and how nice it was that you finally learned how to behave in public. Spending time with you is such a pleasure now. Better late than never I suppose." Emily let out a tinkling artificial laugh. "Now if I can just get you to earn an actual college degree, I suppose you'll have made something out of your life after all." As the words left her mouth, Emily knew she had gone too far. The color drained out of Lorelai's face as she stood up rapidly. Even Richard was frowning at her.

"I'm done. I'm done with you and all of this. Maybe I didn't follow the path you laid out for me and I know I could have been a better daughter, but damn you for saying that! How dare you belittle my accomplishments? I _have_ a college degree, I own my own home, my own business, I've successfully raised my child and I've built the life that I wanted, the one that makes me happy and whole. I figured out as a child that I wasn't going to be happy in Hartford society, wearing pearls and attending DAR meetings. Why couldn't you ever accept that! Why couldn't you love me for who I am, instead of hating me for who I wasn't? You know what my first real memory of you is? My dance recital at the age of five. You insisted I take those classes, I spent weeks practicing that stupid routine, I missed one turn during the show and you spent three weeks telling me how if I'd just make some effort I might get it right! At five years old I learned that I was a disappointment to my parents and you know what? You've never, ever done anything to make me feel any different." To her horror, Lorelai realized that tears were streaming down her face. "I've had enough. Get out of my life and stay out. No more Friday night dinners, no phone calls, no visits. As far as I'm concerned, you've lost the right call yourself my mother. I'm not sure you ever really wanted that right in the first place. 'Be Quiet Lorelai! Wear this dress you hate Lorelai! Nobody wants to hear what you have to say Lorelai! You aren't good enough Lorelai! You aren't a good person Lorelai!' Well congratulations Emily. You got your wish!" Before either of the stunned Gilmores could so much as blink, she was out of the lounge and out of the their lives.

"I'm not going to tell you the details Rory. Just please let it go." Lorelai turned her head to stare out the train window again, watching the scenery slip by as they headed towards home. She willed the train to go faster, to get her back the comfort and safety of Stars Hollow

"You kicked Grandma out of your life, and by extension mine as well." Even as she spoke Rory knew she shouldn't be pressing for details. Her mother's pain was practically visible and pulsing. But some perverse part of her person kept pressing.

"I haven't kicked her out of your life, just mine."

"Bull. She'll cut me off to get to you and you know it. Only this time you don't care. You're so determined to hurt Grandma that you don't care who you step on and now you've screwed me over as well. Bad enough I hardly knew them until three years ago but now you've driven them off for good, just because you're too selfish to ever admit they might be right about anything." Rory clapped a hand across her mouth almost as soon as she said the hateful words. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did." Lorelai's tone had gone past flat, to completely emotionless. She didn't speak again until they pulled into the driveway of their house. "I'm going to Luke's for coffee. Put your laundry in the washer and make sure to move it along so I can do mine."

The emotional iceberg that moved into the Gilmore house remained there for the next week. Rory avoided her mother as much as possible, too ashamed of herself to even look Lorelai in the face. For her part, Lorelai wasn't home much. She threw herself into the plans for the Inn and managed to block out most of the world around her. Her customary wild energy became sober and focused. She didn't bounce around singing Christmas carols or planning the tree and decorations. There was no gleeful baiting of Taylor at the town meeting or bugging Luke to decorate the diner. She didn't really speak to Rory unless it was to tell her that dinner was ready or that she was going out somewhere. The first snowfall came and Lorelai didn't acknowledge it. When Rory crept upstairs for their traditional walk, Lorelai pretended to be asleep. Gradually Rory came to realize just how badly she had hurt her mother and that this time the breach might be impossible to fix.

Most days Lorelai felt like she couldn't breathe. Only by keeping busy did she feel alive in anyway. Other times she hurt too much to want to keep existing. Her mother had made it clear that she was ashamed of her and that her life had amounted to nothing. Her daughter thought she was so selfish that she would screw up anyone's life in order to maintain her own beliefs. Her father saw nothing wrong with sitting silently while her mother belittled her. And worst of all, Rory was right. She was selfish and had most likely thrown away Rory's relationship with her grandparents, a relationship that she cherished. She had lived her life to make herself happy, not caring who she hurt in the process. The realization that this was what her daughter thought was more than Lorelai could bear and she shut down as much as possible to keep the pain at bay. If she let it in, she would break down. She was so lost in her despair that she never even thought about the emotional issues Rory had been diagnosed with or the number pregnancy hormones did on a woman's rationality, and what they were doing to mess up her daughter's thought processes.

"I think I should go stay with Paris for awhile. She has a spare room in her apartment and say's she'd be glad to have me." Rory stood in the kitchen, fidgety and ill at ease.

"What?" Lorelai looked up from the floor plans she was studying to see a suitcase in Rory's hand. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm going to stay with Paris for a few days, maybe even a few weeks. I can't stay in this house anymore. The walls are closing in on me. You won't even look at me, which is no more than I deserve, and I just can't stay here. I was so horrible and out of line and I hurt you so bad and you're my mother for God's sake and how could I have done that?" She was breathing hard now, almost hyperventilating. Without thinking Lorelai was on her feet and rubbing Rory's back to try and calm her down.

"It's okay Rory. Slow down just a little, nice slow deep breaths all right? Nice and slow." The tension between them vanished for a moment and things felt normal again. "I know you didn't mean what you said. I've been sulking."

"Mom don't. Don't dismiss those things I said. I was completely out of line and I didn't mean any of it, which makes it even worse. And the pregnancy hormones are no excuse. You were already hurting from Grandma and I just made things a thousand times worse. I really think I should go to Paris's for a while, until I can get my head screwed on straight. I'll keep seeing Dr. Riley. Maybe she can help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, just a few weeks ago I was telling her what a terrific mother you where, and then I turn around and attack you. I can't figure out what's going on in my head most days and I hate the person I'm turning into but I can't seem to stop it." She was crying again and made no effort to stop the tears.

"Sweetheart, don't do this to yourself." Lorelai wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her close. "Believe it or not, most of this really is just hormones. They make you crazy on a good day, and neither one of us have been having any of those lately. I'm not saying you weren't out of line but you aren't completely to blame either. And the PTSD on top of that doesn't help either. You don't need to leave."

"Yes I do. Mom, what I said wasn't true. None of it. You aren't selfish or self-absorbed and you were justified in staying away from Grandma when I was young. I never should have blamed you for whatever happened in New York, especially when I don't know the details. Your relationship with her isn't my business anymore. And I hurt you terribly. I saw the pain in your eyes and I can't stand that I caused it. So I'm going to go and stay with Paris until I figure out how to fix this because I have to fix this. No fight with Luke or Sookie or Grandma has ever made you feel this bad. And every time we cross paths in the house I know it hurts you. You forgot I can read you like a book." Rory looked her mother in the eye for the first time in two weeks. "You don't bounce anymore. You don't smile or laugh or tease me about getting fat and not being able to see my feet. You don't ask how I'm feeling or any of those thousand things that remind me that you love me. And I'm the cause of that."

"And you think that leaving is going to fix it? That I won't feel about a million times worse now that you aren't here and I know it's because I stopped asking about how you're feeling?" Lorelai's effort to keep from yelling wasn't working very well. "How do we fix this if you aren't here!"

"I don't know! I just know that I can't stay! I can't do this anymore. It's like we're in some sort of weird limbo or the Twilight Zone or something! It's upside down and weird and wrong and I'm afraid we're going to end up like you and Grandma and I don't want that!"

"I don't want that either! But I screwed things up for you Rory and I don't know how to fix it! I supposed to be able to fix this, I'm your mother and it's my job. That's been my job since the day you were born. And now all of sudden I can't fix anything!" Lorelai yelled back.

"I don't want you to fix this, because you I know that you can't. Your formidable mother powers just don't go that far. I just want some support while I figure this out and I threw that away when I attacked you like that. Being alone is what I deserve!" The tears that had been threatening for the last hour overwhelmed her and Rory collapsed down into a kitchen chair, her hands over her face. "Why did this happen? My life is shot to hell. I'm drowning in darkness and I don't know how to save myself. Why couldn't he have just killed me or something?"

"Don't you dare say that!" Lorelai forced Rory's hands away from her face. "I swear I'll have you put in the hospital like Dr. Riley suggested. I will not let you hurt yourself."

"I didn't mean that Mom." Rory felt tired all of a sudden and drained. "I don't want to leave. I just feel like I have to go."

"You don't. More to the point, I'm not going to let you. I can't fix this pregnancy or turn back time and prevent the rape or even speak civilly to my mother. But I can keep you here and love you no matter what. Those 'formidable mother powers' will not let you out that front door feeling like you can't stay here. You are my daughter and I love you, no matter what horrible, pregnancy and PTSD venom spews from your mouth. Do you understand me oh Crazy One?" Lorelai punctuated her words by tossing Rory's suitcase in the direction in the direction of her bedroom and taking Rory in her arms. "And if you try to leave I'll ground you until you're grown up. I know I never grounded you before but there's a first time for everything."

Rory sniffled, then smiled her first real smile for what felt like months. "I'm not testing you, you'll do it. Hell, I'm starting to think you'd tie me to the chair.

"You curse now." Lorelai smiled a sad smile and explained her odd statement. "I don't think I've ever heard you curse until the last few months. And you're damn right I'll tie you down. We have a lot to work through and I'm not going to say you didn't hurt me, but your birth was doing the splits on dynamite and I forgave you for that didn't I? Now we're going to call Dr. Riley and see if she can't help us untangle this ungodly mess, and then we'll indulge in some serious movie watching and junk food gorging." She glanced at Rory's swollen abdomen and amended her statement. "I'll gorge and you'll eat sensibly and in moderation, baring any bizarre cravings. Which, by the way, I can't believe you're not having. I spent six months eating the grossest concoctions you could come up and you just eat more fruit. Where is the Nutella covered celery? The marshmallow fluff and bologna? The cheese and ice cream? I had to eat that stuff, why haven't you?"

"I wanted to eat a salad last week. Does that count?"

"That's worse than all of mine put together. Did you give in?"

Rory hung her head in mock shame. "I ate the evil vegetables mommy. Are you going to disown me?

Lorelai pretended to ponder the thought. "I suppose I'll keep you for now. But you will be require to be my slave to make up for your egregious error." She put an arm around Rory and pulled her to her feet. "Go wash your face and get your jacket. We're going to Doose's and the video store. We have a belated snow walk to get to."

Lorelai called Dr. Riley the next morning and made arrangements for several joint sessions between her and Rory. She also made some appointments for herself. She was starting to think that the knots she was tied up in over Richard and Emily could use a professional look. Rory and Lorelai didn't discuss the sessions outside of Kat's office but they both felt better inside after them. Christmas crept closer and Lorelai belatedly started putting decorations. Luke helped her set up the tree one week before the holiday and that night she and Rory started putting on the ornaments. Rather, Lorelai decorated the tree while Rory went through the adoption files yet again, trying to find the perfect family for the rapidly growing Thumper. Rory couldn't see her feet anymore and rarely got more than an hour or two of sleep before the baby's kicking would wake her up. She was tired, cranky and frustrated as hell.

"This is too hard!" Rory threw the one of the folders across the room. "How am I supposed to do this?"

"Eenie meeny miny moe is a perfectly acceptable option. You're the one who rejected it."

"I'm trying to select parents for this kid, not choose between pizza toppings," Rory shot back. "Somehow I don't think this can be decided that easily." Awkwardly she pushed herself off the couch and knelt down to collect the scattered paperwork. "Why didn't I just let the agency decide?"

"You said at the time that not picking turned your stomach." Lorelai shooed Rory back to the couch and finished picking up the folders herself. "You couldn't stand the thought of Thumper going to complete strangers."

"I know." Rory let out a frustrated sigh. "And I still believe that. But reading these files give me no sense of the kind of parents these people will make. They all seem to say the same thing: love children, financially stable, solid marriage, eternally grateful. That's not what I want to know. I want to know what they believe about education and discipline and gender roles and kids sports and the appropriate age to introduce coffee into Thumper's diet. What role is their extended family going to play in Thumper's life? What's their town like? Will they read to her a lot? What music will be exposed to? Will they encourage her to achieve all that she can dream or try to force her into a pre-determined role? Public school or private? Any siblings? Do they travel a lot? A stay-at-home mom or one that works? If both parents work, who's going to care for Thumper? The file don's say any of this." Rory groaned in renewed frustration. "Did I mention this whole thing sucks?"

"Just once or twice." Lorelai finished stacking the files and resisted her own temptation to pitch them into the fireplace. "Can you ask the agency for more info?"

"Not according to Connecticut state law. All agency adoptions are carried out to ensure the anonymity of both the adoptive and birth parents. The only info I have is what's in those files. Unless I arrange a private adoption through an attorney with parents I select personally, that is." Tears began to ooze down her face. "This sucks. I'm giving up Thumper to some faceless file."

"Well, why don't you describe your perfect parents? Maybe we know them and you could go the lawyer route."

"Who do we know that's looking to adopt?" Rory ran her hands through her hair and tried to get control of her emotions. Then her hands flew to her belly. "God it's active tonight."

"Babies sense tension and respond by trying to kick their way free. You use to knock the wind out of me at dinner for the last three months. Every single night, as soon as Emily opened her mouth, you revved up."

Rory looked down at her belly. "There are multiple months left to go in there, whether you like the accommodations or not. Get use to it." She turned back to the files. "I'd better look through these again. One of them has to jump up and scream 'Pick Me!'"

"Do you have any idea what you're looking for?"

"I don't know!" FrustratedRory! made a return with appearance with a vengeance. "I can't think! I hate this, I HATE THIS! Why is this happening, why do I have to do this! Why? What did I do? What did I do! I've done everything I was supposed to do and this is what happened? I'm not studying for my first Yale finals, I'm sitting here with heartburn and swollen ankles and I'm trying to pick a family for my illegitimate child that I only conceived because I was raped!" Another file flew across the room, followed by a hairbrush and several magazines. Rory was on her feet, eyes blazing and tears streaming down her face unchecked. "I want my life back! He stole it from and I want it back! Give me back my life!" With that final scream, Rory swayed and collapsed to the ground, hitting her head on the coffee table as she fell.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Author's note: I am not now and nor have I ever been a medical professional. My medical knowledge comes from ER and various television shows.

On a weeknight the community hospital ER was usually quiet, something Lorelai was vaguely grateful for as she sat in the waiting room, her head resting in her hands. Over two hours had passed and there was still no word on how Rory was doing, let alone the condition of the baby. The thought of losing her daughter or her unborn grandchild was almost more than she could bear. Lorelai forced the thoughts out of her head with a ruthlessness she didn't know she possessed. But no matter what she did, she couldn't rid herself of the image of Rory crumpling to the ground and slamming her head into the coffee table.

"Here, drink this." A steaming cup of coffee was thrust into her hands and she sipped the liquid automatically, not even glancing at the person who was sitting next to her. Until she tasted the coffee. "Luke! What are you doing here?"

"Babette called me, said Rory got taken away in an ambulance. I had to practically hogtie Jess to keep him home and he only agreed if I came to check on her." He sighed, caught sight of a stretcher, and immediately looked down at his shoes. "How's Rory? And what happened?"

"I don't know. She's been in there for almost two hours and I can't get any information about her. The nurse keeps telling me that the doctors are with her and doing all they can." She took a deep breath to keep from crying. She was not going to cry without a really good reason. "She fainted at home, just crumpled to the ground and smacked her head on the coffee table as she fell. I couldn't wake her up and she was bleeding and –" Lorelai's voice started to wobble and she trailed off.

"Oh man." Luke couldn't think of anything to say beyond that. So instead he put what he hoped was a comforting arm around Lorelai and simply sat with her while waiting for word on Rory. He wanted to reassure her that Rory and the baby would both be fine but a little voice in his head kept telling him that he didn't know that. Reassurances could be cruel if something did happen. He still remembered the pain of having a nurse tell him that his mom would be fine, only to have her cancer win the battle the very next day. "I've got more coffee when you need another fix."

Despite herself and the circumstances, Lorelai let out a small snort of laughter. "You must really be worried if you're feeding my coffee habit without a fight."

"Don't get use to it. As soon as every thing is back to normal, you go back to begging."

"Fair enough." Lorelai took another sip, then sighed and lean up against one of her oldest friends. "I hate waiting."

"No one likes it." He wrapped his arm around her a little more firmly and settled down to wait with her.

"Ms. Gilmore?"

She'd dozed off. Lorelai leapt to her feet in an instant, not believing that she'd managed to doze off. And on Luke's shoulder. But the doctor was in front of her and she'd feel awkward about Luke later. "Is Rory all right? And the baby?"

"I'm Dr. Kendricks, the on-call OB tonight. Rory's being moved up the ante-partum unit right now. I'm admitting her indefinitely. Her blood pressure is much too high, which is what caused her to faint tonight. We need to get it under control or she's at major risk for stoke and permanent organ damage, not to mention premature labor and significant risks to the baby."

The vise grip on Lorelai's heart contracted a bit more. "How bad?"

"If we don't get her blood pressure down, we will be forced to deliver the baby early. Rory is just nearing the seven-month mark. Ideally, we want to keep the baby inside her until at least the first week of February. At that point, the baby could be delivered early with minimal risk to either her or mom. If we deliver before then, we're looking at immature organs, underdeveloped lungs, a long stay in the NICU and an uncertain outcome. I've called Rory's obstetrician and she's on the way down here, but so far she's agreed with my conclusions. I'm having Rory started on medication to lower her BP, along with putting her on strict bed rest. We're going to see how that works for a few days. If there is no substantial change or the stress begins to affect the baby, then we'll have to re-evaluate."

"She hit her head pretty hard when she fell. She didn't break anything right?" Lorelai's brain was desperately trying to process all the information she'd been given and she'd realized that something was missing.

"We ran head CT and took an X-ray. She has a slight concussion but nothing to be too concerned about, along with three stitches to close the cut. Head wounds tend to bleed quite a bit even when they're minor. There'll be no lasting damage except possibly a very faint scar along her hair line when the stitches come out."

"You said medication. How is that going to effect the baby?"

Dr. Kendricks frowned. "I don't like to give an expectant mother any medication more than necessary during pregnancy but right now I feel it is warranted. Rory is on the verge of pre-eclampsia. If she develops that condition, the baby will have to be delivered early and by C-section. No way could Rory's body tolerate the stress of labor; right now she'd likely have a stroke in the delivery room. Yes, the medication could pose a slight risk to the fetus, but those risks are the lesser of two evils."

Lorelai swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. Now was not the time to fall apart. That could wait until after she was back home. "Does Rory know what's going on?"

"Yes. I updated her completely before they took her upstairs. She's agreed to give the medication a try. I did give her a light sedative to help calm her down, along with a mild painkiller for the head injury and she's resting peacefully. As soon as we're done here, you can go to see her. Rory tells me she's been seeing a therapist?"

"Yes, Dr. Katherine Riley. Should I call her?"

"That can wait until morning. I know the circumstances surrounding Rory's pregnancy are contributing to her stress levels, which is in turn driving up her blood pressure. She was looking at adoption forms tonight?"

"Yes, and she was getting very frustrated by it."

"Until we see substantial improvement in her blood pressure, I don't want her stressed out in anyway. Continuing to meet with Dr. Riley will probably help her but talking about the adoption won't. For now, we need to keep her as calm and relaxed as possible for as long as possible. If her blood pressure goes any higher or doesn't show any improvement in the next day or two, the baby will have to be delivered. If you come with me Ms. Gilmore, I'll take you up to see Rory. She should be settled in by now." Lorelai nodded mutely and turned to follow Dr. Kendricks. For some reason she wasn't surprised when Luke accompanied her to the elevator, taking her hand in his as he did so. A tiny part of her brain told her to study this development later, when she could think again. Right now, all that matter was Rory and the baby.

Luke waited in the corridor, settling himself uncomfortably on a bench near the nurse's station while Lorelai went to check on her daughter. Rory had a room to herself and seemed to be dozing when Lorelai stepped inside.

"Rory?"

"Mom." Rory yawned and opened her eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired. And my head hurts." One hand fluttered towards the bandage on her temple but drifted back down to the bed before it got there.

"Well I'd expect nothing less after the night you had." Lorelai smoothed back a few errant strands of hair, careful to avoid the bruise showing on the edges of the bandage. "When you feel this bad, you should at least have wild night to blame it on."

"No drinking for me. I'm gonna have a baby and drinking is bad." The painkiller had kicked in and Lorelai smiled in spite of herself and the situation. "Can't hurt the baby."

"No, you shouldn't do that. You know they want you to stay here for awhile?"

"Yeah. Stay here and stay in bed and stay and stay-" another yawn cut off the drug-induced babbling and Rory started to close her eyes again. "Sleepy now."

"You rest then. I'll be back first thing in the morning, with some of your stuff. Pajamas, toothbrush, the works. Just sleep now, alright baby?"

Rory didn't answer. She'd already slipped back into an exhausted sleep.

Lorelai plopped unceremoniously down next to Luke and rested her head in her hands. She suddenly felt every single one of her years and them some. In fact, she was pretty sure that if she looked in the mirror, she'd definitely look her age as well.

"How's she doing?"

"Pretty out it. And they must have her on some good drugs, her babble reflex was kicking in." The response was automatic. Luke's hand rubbing her back was not but Lorelai would think about that later, along with the handholding in the elevator. There was nothing else she could process that night. "I'm not sure she'll even remember it in the morning." She rubbed her eyes and groaned. "I can't take much more of this. Every time I turn around there's something else to be dealt with, some huge drama that sucks up my time and energy and emotional fortitude and the worst part is that it's all legitimate. There is no part of my life that I can just cut off and ignore. Rory is an emotional mess that needs all the support she can get, plans have to be made for the baby, eventually Emily will worm her way back into my life and I'll have to deal with her for Rory's sake, theIndependance is the middle of the Christmas rush,Sookie can't help there because she's got a newborn at home, Christmas is a week away and I haven't finished shopping and the list just goes on. There're never enough hours in the day and at night when I should rest, I just lie awake in bed with nine million worries and concerns running through my head. Hell, I'm in therapy now and even that's not helping."

Luke wasn't sure what to say. He'd had plenty of experience over the years in dealing with Lorelai's breakdowns, meltdowns, caffeine highs, sugar highs and righteous anger. But this was new. This admission that her life was too much to handle seemed to be the worst he'd ever heard her say, and that included everything she'd screamed after the car accident a year earlier. All he could think to do now was offer her a ride home.

"That'd be great." Lorelai sat up and seemed to visibly pull herself together, summoning all her inner strength. "Considering I rode here in the ambulance and I'm pretty sure they won't take me home. Well, maybe if I flash them they will."

"Let's not go there right now. Come on, you're almost asleep on your feet." He gently pulled Lorelai to her feet and guided her towards the exit. "You can sleep in the truck."

And sleep she did. Lorelai was snoring before Luke pulled out of the parking lot and didn't wake up upon arrival back in Stars Hollow despite his best efforts. Finally, Luke dug out the spare key from the turtle and carried her up to her bedroom. He pulled her shoes off, turned off the house lights and locked up behind him. Lorelai never stirred.

Rory woke with a start, trying to process where she was and what was happening to her. She'd been dreaming; one of those intense, vivid dreams that seemed completely real at the time. She'd been at Yale, in her dorm room and fighting with Paris over an article for the campus paper that they had to share a byline on. She'd actually been winning the argument when a loud beeping noise had issued from Paris's mouth, disturbing the pleasant reality Rory was enjoying. She'd woken up to find a nurse taking her temperature. And she came crashing back into her current reality. The ache in her head, the pain in her back, the urgent need to use the bathroom, and the relentless kicking and movement from within her swollen abdomen. Yale had been a dream, the baby was reality.

"You're awake." The nurse leaned over to check Rory's pupils. "How're you feeling?"

"My head hurts. And I have to pee." She ran a dry tongue over drier lips. "Can I have something to drink?"

"Sure." Carefully, the nurse (her name tag said 'Mary') held a glass of water for Rory to sip through the straw. "Better?"

"Much." Her mouth still tasted like old gym socks though. "What happened? Why am I here?" Rory had a vague memory of the previous night, a doctor telling her she had to stay and Lorelai bending over her but not much beyond that.

"You were admitted last night through the ER with blood pressure in the stratosphere, after fainting at home and slamming your head against the coffee table on the way down. You have three stitches in your head and slight concussion. Dr. Kendricks and Dr. Larson want you stay here until your BP improves." Mary put away the thermometer and pulled out the blood pressure cuff. "And speaking of, I need to check it. Just stay quiet for few minutes, okay?" Without waiting for an answer she wrapped the cuff around Rory's arm and starting inflating it. Within a minute the uncomfortable pressure subsided and Mary frowned. "138/88. A little better than last night but not much. Dr. Larson will be by soon to see you and breakfast will be delivered soon. Can I do anything for you? Do you need anything?"

"Can I get up to go to the bathroom?"

"Sorry, honey. Not just yet. I'll get a bedpan for you. You're on strict bed rest until the doctor says otherwise." Mary was quick and efficient in getting the unpleasant chore accomplished. "Better now?"

"Yes." Rory made a mental note to never land in the hospital again. Bedpans were gross. "Is my mom here?"

"Visiting hours won't start for another half hour, so I imagine she'll be here soon. She was pretty worried about you last night. Your dad too."

"My dad was here?" That made no sense. Lorelai had sworn she wouldn't tell Chris about the baby, and considering she was in the ICU or anything there was no reason to call him.

"The guy with the baseball cap? He was here the whole time as far as I could tell. Kept giving Ms. Gilmore coffee and I think I overheard them talking about driving her home."

"Oh." The pieces fell into place. "That wasn't my father. That was Luke. He's-" How could she describe Luke? "He's a good friend of the family."

"Sorry, my mistake." Mary checked the printout from the fetal monitor attached to Rory's belly and noted something on the chart. "The baby's doing real well considering the circumstances. As soon as Dr. Larson comes in, she'll do an ultrasound to confirm that. So you just lay back, relax and think nice thoughts. Pretend you're in Aruba or something."

Rory just closed her eyes and tried to recapture her Yale dream. Being a student at the school of her choice seemed better than any exotic vacation.

"I have to fully agree with Dr. Kendricks' opinion. Admitting was the right course of action and at the moment I'm not to inclined to send you home, not until your blood pressure goes down and stays that way." Dr. Larson looked up from the chart. "I still want to do the ultrasound on the baby to confirm no trouble there. The fetal heart rate is steady and where it should be, but it never hurts to have that confirmation."

"So I can go home soon?"

Dr. Larson frowned. "Rory, I don't think you understand me. You're on the verge of pre-eclampsia. You're going to remain hospitalized for at least several weeks and if released, you'll be on strict bed rest for the remainder of this pregnancy. Right now, you may be here until you deliver. The risks to both you and the baby are too big to ignore."

"That's fine." Lorelai replied this time and shot a look at her daughter that Rory understood all too well. It was the look that said 'I'll hogtie you to keep you safe so suck it up.' She'd only seen that look a few times before in her life and knew her mother meant business. Rory nodded and agreed to the doctor's parameters.


	12. Chapter 12

Within two days of her confinement Rory came to the conclusion that she hated enforced bed rest. Not being able to get up and move around when she wanted to was nothing more than torture, even if she'd hadn't been that active before anyway. Being forbidden to get up made her want to do it all the more. Staying still and relaxed was making her crazy.

Lorelai brought in a load of books, CD's, DVD's and the laptop to keep Rory entertained, along with clothing and toiletries. Flowers, cards and various small gifts poured in from citizens of Stars Hollow. Rory was grateful for the distraction that writing thank-you notes provided. The phone seemed to ring itself off the hook with calls from Lane and Paris. The world Rory had tried so hard to cut herself off from was obviously not going anywhere. The only calls she wouldn't take where from Jess. She just couldn't face him right now. And she wouldn't accept visitors other than Lorelai. She'd even turned away Richard and Emily. After finally hearing the details of Emily's performance in New York, Rory wasn't sure she could speak civilly to her grandparents, much less endure a stressful visit from them.

Christmas came and went in an exhausted blur. Rory was still in the hospital and neither one of them felt like celebrating. They passed a day of forced excitement over the gifts that Lorelai brought to the hospital room and both were glad when the day was over. New Years was barely noticed.

For Rory the days of hospitalization crept by in a blur of crushing boredom, punctuated by ultrasounds, blood pressure checks and sessions with Dr. Riley. Every time she managed to lose herself in a book or movie, a medical professional would come bustling in to disturb her reverie. It never failed: for a few precious moments Rory would forget where she was and why she was there, only to have someone jerk her back to a reality she didn't want to live in. With each passing day she grew a little more frustrated and angry. She didn't develop pre-eclampsia and her blood pressure had begun to slowly fall. However it wasn't yet down to what the doctor considered a 'safe range'. As the sun went down each day she would look at the calendar and calculate how much closer she was to freedom: Valentine's Day. February 14 had been designated the earliest the baby could be born with little risk to his or her health. As the days of January began to pass, Rory began to pray for time to speed up and end her misery.

For Lorelai the days went by in a grinding haze of exhaustion that seemed to follow her everywhere. For once, she hated snow because snow meant visitors flocked to the inn, bent on admiring the beautifully frozen landscape and expecting a fairy tale Christmas getaway. In the midst of the tourist boom Sookie was on maternity leave (which meant the kitchen wasn't running nearly as smoothly as it could), the night manager quit and the DAR booked weekly luncheons that Lorelai had to oversee personally, lest her mother (whom she still refused to acknowledge) took her incessant complaints and thinly veiled insults to Mia or her son. Not that Lorelai felt her job was in danger but she couldn't stand the humiliation of having her mother complain to her boss. And of course, she was putting in hours at the hospital everyday to keep Rory company. With each passing day she seemed to grow thinner and the dark circles under her eyes grew deeper. A week after New Year's Day she nearly passed out in her office, only to realize she had consumed nothing but coffee since the morning before. She was nearing the end of her internal reserves. Something was going to have to give.

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Fainting the in diner later that afternoon was the final straw. She'd no sooner sat down than the world turned black. She came to with half the town hovering over her and an ambulance standing outside the door. Only her lack of fever, headache, nausea and bleeding convinced the paramedics that she didn't need to go to the ER. That, and the call they got for a heart attack two towns over as she was doing the fastest talking of her life. Cardiac arrest trumped the crazy woman every time. Luke and Sookie weren't so easy to placate.

"No! Sookie you are not cutting your maternity leave short! You don't work the desk anyway."

"I can learn! And keep you entertained by irritating Michel. That's got to be good for something."

"He's irritated enough alternating nights with me. If I didn't know he secretly loved it, I'd be worried about him quitting. Keeping Michel entertained is the least of my worries. Sookie, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but coming back early won't solve anything and will just make me feel massively guilty."

"Fine. But I AM leaving food for you in your fridge and you ARE going to eat it. No more of this fainting nonsense."

"Since when do I turn down food? I haven't been eating because I just don't have time, not from lack of appetite."

Luke broke in for the first time. "Well you're going to make time. For starters, Jess will be driving you to the hospital every evening. You can eat in the car or nap or read or whatever. But you WILL relax on the trip there and the trip back. He'll also pitch in at the Inn however you need him to. He's yours for the duration."

"Luke-''

"Don't." He held up a hand to stop her argument cold. "He's driving me nuts and you'll be doing me a favor in getting him out of here for a few hours a day. He won't try to sneak in and see Rory, he won't blast offensive music and he'll even dress appropriately to work at the Inn. He wants to help, he just doesn't know how to say it."

The exhaustion must have been getting the better of her. "Thank you both. I appreciate the help." She stood to go, then swayed with dizziness again. "Whoa."

In an instant Luke was on his feet to steady her and guide her back to her chair. "You aren't leaving until you eat a real meal. And it will include vegetables. No whining."

"I have to get back. Emily's DAR luncheon starts in half an hour. If I'm not there, she'll call Mia and complain to her that I'm slacking off."

Sookie's face turned a dull red. She'd heard the whole story of what had happened in New York. "I'll call Mia myself and warn her not to take Emily's calls."

"No! I don't want her thinking I can't do my job. Emily and Richard are my cross to bear, not anybody else's."

"Lorelai, Mia is not going to think you can't do your job. She's met Emily. She's knows your mother is a crazy woman and not to be taken seriously. Remember when Rory was six and Emily called you an unfit mother for enrolling her in the public school? Mia was the one who let you cry on her shoulder afterwards."

Luke watched the by-play between the two women with growing interest, keeping his face impassive. He'd been hearing Lorelai's stories about her parents for years now, especially since the Friday Night Dinners had come into existence. He'd always thought she'd exaggerated about them, that there was no way real people could behave like that, especially toward their family members. The few moments at the hospital a few years ago hadn't been as fraught as the relations being described now. Listening to Sookie run down other incidents of Emily's personality, Luke began to realize that Lorelai was luck to be as sane as she was.

"You aren't leaving here until you eat and promise to take better care of yourself. What's Rory going to do if you end up sick from exhaustion, or worse?" Luke played his trump card, the one he knew would work. Ever since that day 19 years ago when the strip turned pink, Lorelai had always put Rory's well being above her own. If taking proper care of Rory meant taking care of herself, Lorelai would do it without complaint.

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As with all trials in life, that which didn't kill Lorelai made her stronger. With the respite provided by Jess doing the driving and Sookie doing the cooking, she began to look not quite so strung out and haggard. True to her word, Sookie called Mia and gave her the heads up about Emily. When Emily did call to complain about the service, Mia simply read her the riot act about abusing the Inn's staff and made it clear that if she couldn't behave in a reasonable and civil manner then she was welcome to take her business elsewhere. Mia also made it clear that future arrangements would go through Michel and Lorelai wasn't to be bothered. What she didn't say was that right now Lorelai was busy pretending that her parents didn't exist. She knew it wouldn't last, that when Rory had the baby decency said she should notify them, but for now she enjoyed the peace.

Best of all Rory was released from the hospital after an almost four week stay. Her blood pressure had finally dropped enough that the doctor felt comfortable letting her leave, even though she'd still be on bed rest when she got home.

"There's no place like home!" Rory felt like she'd been released from prison as she fastened her seatbelt. "Please tell me I'm never coming back to the ante-partum unit again."

"Next time it'll be Labor and Delivery. Are you going to click your heels three times or are you expecting me to play chauffer?"

"Just get me out of here. And I'm not going to mind the labor ward because that means this whole maternity nightmare will be ending. I'll have my life back. I'll be able to get out of bed when I want to and drink coffee and see my feet and not waddle when I walk. I can wear my own clothes and eat what I like and start school. I'll be me again." Rory cocked an eyebrow at her mother. "Why aren't you driving?"

"I'm just trying to decide whether to laugh or cry, that's all."

"Pick one and start the engine."

"And didn't your little vacation just turn you into Mary Sunshine?"

"You know that character is supposed to be a man in drag, right? Are you trying to insinuate something about my looks?"

"Just watch the scenery and shut your mouth. We're going home."

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"There isn't going to be half of Stars Hollow on our front lawn when we get home, is there? I really don't want to have to put on a happy face right now." The elation over leaving the hospital had drained away and Rory's now-characteristic somberness had returned.

"Sookie said she might come by to drop off a 'Welcome Home' cake but that's all. I Miss Patty put the word out that you're still not up to visitors."

"Okay." Rory pulled her coat a little tighter around her and settled back into the seat. "They all know, don't they? I mean, the flowers and the cards and everything were a dead giveaway."

Lorelai sighed. "It's been common knowledge since Halloween that you're pregnant. Those overalls you were wearing didn't really hide anything. I know you're convinced that people will look at you cross-eyed and then blame Jess for knocking you up, but it hasn't happened."

"Great. What are they saying?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"I'd rather know what the gossip is now and start figuring out to deal with it while I've got the time."

"The absolute truth is not common knowledge. I certainly haven't told anyone other than Luke and Sookie. But most people think that something in the realm of what happened, is what happened.'

"Oh God! Why do they think that?" Rory was tempted to tell her mother to turn around and check her back into the hospital. She couldn't fathom having to face the whole town thinking she was a victim. Even if she was, she didn't want anyone to know about it.

"Babette saw the adoption papers the night you fainted. She came over to lock up after the ambulance left. Apparently she made the connection. She and Patty figured that if this were just an accidental pregnancy that you'd keep it."

"Great." Rory's moroseness became visible as they pulled through the Star's Hollow streets. "My whole life is gossip fodder."

Lorelai bit back a sigh. She wasn't happy with Babette or Patty right now either, but she didn't think they meant to be malicious. Gossip was just their way. "Almost there."

"I'm ready for a nap."

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As the days of January faded towards February, Rory found herself coming out of her self-imposed exile. It started slowly, a call to Paris, a walk to see Lane. She was still careful to avoid most of the general public but she did let her two best girlfriends back into the mix. One day she even managed to have a five-minute conversation with Jess. She didn't even burst into tears until after she was home. That he still loved her was obvious, as was the pain she was putting him through by refusing to see him. But she couldn't, not now. Maybe not ever.


	13. Chapter 13

The day has started unusually cold, even for late February in Stars Hollow. By noon clouds were scudding across the sky, low and grey and promising snow. Michel finally flipped on the weather channel about an hour later, just in time to hear the warnings about a blizzard that was forecasted to hit the area that evening. Lorelai and the Inn staff spent the rest of the afternoon checking the back-up generator, getting extra firewood, distributing extra blankets in the guest rooms and calling the night staff in early. She was on her way home by 4:30 and the snow was already starting to fall. Luckily she'd thought to call ahead to Luke's and dinner was waiting for her to pick up.

"Are you going to be all right tonight? Storm's supposed to get pretty bad," Luke asked as he handed over the to go boxes.

"We'll be fine. Most of the firewood you brought over is still there and I'll drag a bunch of it in as soon as I get home."

"Do you have flashlights and candles? Extra batteries? Matches?"

"Yes Luke." The tone was playful but Lorelai's eyes were flashing a small bit of impatience. She'd had a very long day and was anxious to get home. The baby wasn't due for another two weeks but she still didn't want to leave Rory alone for too long. Some part of her 'Mom radar' was going off, she just couldn't figure out what it was.

"Take these with you just in case, okay." Luke handed her a bag of emergency supplies. Seeing the rebellion on her face, he followed by handing her a large flask of coffee as well. "If you argue, I'll take this back."

"Mouth, meet silence." She headed for the jeep. The snow was falling faster and the wind was picking up. She wanted to get home.

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"Rory! I brought dinner!" The door blew shut behind Lorelai in whirl of ice and snowflakes. She'd made it home just in time. It had taken her a half hour to get from the diner back to the house and visibility had dropped to nothing by the time she pulled into the driveway. "Respond please!"

"We're in here!"

" 'We'? Are you Queen Elizabeth now?" Lorelai rounded the corner into Rory's room and found her sprawled awkwardly across her bed. Lane was sitting on the floor sorting through CD's. "Hi Lane."

"Hi Lorelai. I stopped by to drop off some new music. Babies can hear before they're born you know and I consider it my civil duty to give this kid good taste." She gestured to the wide array in front of her. "Everything from the Clash to Bowie."

"Nice impulse. As payment, you're staying here tonight. The storm broke and there's no way I'm letting you go out in it now. Call your roommates before it gets too late so they don't worry. I'm going to set up-" A frantic pounding on the front door interrupted the sentence. "What the-" She left the girls and went to see what was the matter. "Paris!"

The angry college student in question shoved her way past Lorelai, dropping a couple of grocery bags as she did so. "That jerk! How could I have spent so much time with such an immature, unemotional, overbearing asshole? Rory!" Without waiting for a reply she headed towards Rory's bedroom.

"Hi Paris. Sure, come on in. Can I take your coat?" Lorelai groused to herself as she collect the dropped bags and lugged them towards the kitchen.

"Paris! What are you doing here? How did you get here?" Rory was more than mildly surprised to see her friend appear in her room. "Did you drive in that snowstorm?"

"What snowstorm?"

"This one." Lane yanked the curtain aside to reveal the near whiteout conditions beyond.

"Oh. So that's why the guy at the grocery store looked me funny."

"Grocery store? Paris what's going on?" Rory managed to sit up without help, though it took a few minutes.

"Jamie and I broke up. How I could have dated that emotional shut-in for as long as I did astounds me. And I stopped at the grocery store on the way here because I thought break-ups require junk food."

"Paris how'd you like to become my adopted daughter?" Lorelai reappeared in the doorway. "I think you brought every single bit of junk food known to mankind."

"Men are the scum of the earth."

"And on that note, I'm going to get dinner together. Paris, you're staying here tonight as well. Call whomever you need to call so they don't worry." Lorelai escaped back to the kitchen to avoid the rant she sensed was about to erupt from Paris. Let Rory and Lane deal with it; she'd rather get food and coffee ready for immanent consumption in mass quantity. She'd already drained the thermos that Luke gave her on the way home. Once the food was ready, she'd go pull out some movies and-

"Mom!"

"Lorelai!"

"Lorelai!"

The three hysterical screams split the air simultaneously, causing Lorelai to drop a pot of coffee on her foot. She let out a yelp of her own and jumped back to avoid getting burned, only to crash into the counter and end up on the floor. Ignoring the throbbing pain in her right ankle she got up and went to see what was the matter.

Rory was standing next to her bed, frozen in place and staring down at the floor at a rapidly expanding puddle. Lane was standing on the desk chair as though she was trying to escape a mouse, while Paris was pressed up against the closet door, looking as though she was going to faint. "Oh shit."

"Mom?" Rory sounded five years old again. "I think my water broke."

"Okay." Lorelai took a deep breath. Water breaking. That meant hospital. Right, call the doctor and go to the hospital. "Okay. We're going to call Dr. Larson and go to the hospital. The baby's coming." She gently took Rory by the arm and steered her towards the bathroom, while simultaneously grabbing clean sweats from the laundry pile. "You change into something dry and stick a towel between your legs while I find the phone. Are you having any contractions yet?"

"No." Rory tried to mentally steady herself. The baby was actually going to come out soon. And she wasn't ready for it, not at all. She hadn't even picked the adoptive parents yet. She thought she had more time. Her back throbbed again and she automatically put her hands over the ache. Lorelai's eyes narrowed at the movement.

"Is that a contraction?"

"No, just the backache that's been bugging me all day."

"What backache?" All of a sudden those earlier beeps on the 'Mom radar' made sense. And Lorelai did not want them to make sense, not right now, not in the middle of a blizzard.

"My back's been cramping up since around noon. It comes and goes but it hasn't really hurt." Her eyes went wide with the realization. "Oh shit."

"Rory! You've been labor all day and you didn't tell anybody!"

"I didn't realize!" Rory's protest was cut short as the ache in her back coalesced into pain and pressure. "Oww!"

Lorelai was at her side in a second. "Deep breaths. All the way and slowly let it out. In and out. Good girl, it'll be over in a minute." The contraction eased and Rory straightened up.

"I don't think I'm going to like this."

"You aren't supposed to like it. We need to call Dr. Larson and head for the hospital. How close together are those back cramps?"

"I don't know. I wasn't really paying any attention." Rory took a cautious deep breath. "Not too close."

"All right." Lorelai looked over at Lane and Paris. "You two help Rory change into some clean clothing while I call the doctor. And for God's sake stop looking so shocked. You knew this kid was coming out sometime." She didn't mean to sound so caustic but she couldn't yell at Rory right now and her nerves had to be vented somewhere.

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There was no dial tone. On any of the extensions Lorelai picked up. And her cell, along with Paris and Rory's had no signal. One look out the window and she knew that snow tires or no snow tires they weren't driving anywhere until the storm let up and the snowplow cleared the road. All she could do was pray that the storm ended soon and that Rory had a long labor ahead of her.

"What did Dr. Larson say?" Rory appeared in the doorway with both her hands pressed against her lower back. Paris was behind her with the hospital bag.

Lorelai took a deep breath. "I couldn't get through. I think the lines are down and there's no reception on any of the cell phones."

"What! We have to call the doctor, I'm in labor for crying out loud!" Rory grabbed at the phone. "I'll try." And got the same response that Lorelai did. No dial tone, no reception. "So we'll just go to the hospital now and call Dr. Larson from there."

"Have you looked outside? There's no way to drive in that." Lorelai pointed to the window for emphasis. "Even if the jeep could plow through that much snow visibility is crap. Driving is way too dangerous right now. We're going to have to wait until we can call an ambulance. Their vehicles are equipped for this."

Rory slumped into a kitchen chair, on the verge of tears. "This is not happening. I'm in labor and I can't get to the hospital because of a damn snowstorm."

"First labors take forever. I'm sure this'll clear up soon and you'll be at the hospital in plenty of time. Right?" The Voice of Reason, a.k.a., Paris set the bag down and glanced over at Lorelai. "We'll keep trying the phones every so often. Cell phone coverage should come back pretty soon and we'll have an ambulance in no time."

"Paris is right sweetheart. Let's just eat dinner, and then watch a movie or something. We've got plenty of time." Lorelai took a mental deep breath and started improvising a new game plan. "If Paris will take over in here, I'm going to mop up your floor before anything stains."

"I took care of that Lorelai." A very shaky looking Lane appeared in the doorway with a pile of damp towels. "I'll go toss these in the washer. You might want to clean up that coffee though." She nodded to the drying brown stain and broken glass shards from Lorelai's earlier mishap, then hastened to the laundry room

"You broke the coffee maker." Rory stared in mock horror at the shattered pot. "Why did you kill Rufus? What has he ever done to you?" A tiny bit of her old personality shone through in the lighthearted banter. There was light at the end of the pregnancy tunnel and Rory was looking forward to it, despite the weather conditions outside.

"The screaming from your room startled me," Lorelai commented. "Somehow I don't think coffee'd be a good idea for any of us right now anyway."

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Despite the mountain of food on the table all four women did little more than pick at their plates. Several times during the meal Rory would suck in her breath and her hands would fly to her belly as the process of childbirth continued unabated within her. Each time Lorelai would talk her through it, encouraging her breath deeply and regularly. After the third such occurrence within 30 minutes both Lane and Paris were beginning to look a little pale. As soon as she could Lorelai yanked them aside.

"You both have to hold it together, whether you want to or not. I have no idea when we'll be able to get Rory to medical attention and I absolutely cannot deal with either of you freaking out right now. If you can't handle this, then you go up to my room and stay there where she can't see you. Understood?"

The both gulped and nodded. "Good. Here's the game plan: we'll keep trying the phones every fifteen minutes but I'm pretty sure service won't be back for awhile; in the meantime we're going to keep Rory calm and do whatever we can to support her. We still have power right now but we need to be prepared in case it goes out. Lane, you know the house better. Go bring down extra blankets and pillows, along with candles, matches and flashlights. Luke sent a bag of stuff as well; it's on the kitchen counter. There's a huge pile of firewood outside the back door, I'm going to bring in as much of it as I can. We'll set ourselves up in the living room. Paris, go sit with Rory. Talk to her, time her contractions and keep her as calm as you can. I don't care if you have to bite your tongue till you bleed, you will not stress her out in anyway." Both girls moved to their assigned tasks while Lorelai bundled herself into her heaviest clothing and mentally cursed at the storm outside.

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An hour and a half later all four women were gathered in front of 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' while a fire blazed cheerily in the fireplace. The scene was downright homey. With one exception.

"God damn it!" Rory had Lorelai's hand in a death grip while a contraction threatened to overwhelm her. "I don't want to do this anymore. It hurts too much, I can't do it!" The pain passed and she relaxed slightly. "How far apart are they?"

"Still every ten minutes or so," Paris said, noting the latest contraction down on the pad she'd retrieved for that purpose. "They're all lasting under a minute."

"Doesn't feel like it," Rory groused as she reached for a water bottle. "Feels like I'm being tortured for information that I don't have."

"Well now we know you'd be of no use as a secret agent. Sidney and Vaughan have job security," Lorelai joked. She discretely glanced at the clock. Almost 8 and the weather showed no sign of clearing up. Damn. Lane was on phone detail at the moment and by the shake of her head service was still out. At least they still had power. Even as Lorelai thought this, the overhead lights flickered and dimmed but stayed on. The howling of the wind outside was getting worse as well.

"Does anybody else have the feeling we're stuck in a 'Lifetime Movie of the Week'?" Lane asked, breaking the tension and causing Rory to laugh a bit.

"All we need is Justine Bateman and Rob Estes and we're in business." Lorelai swiped a handful of popcorn from under Paris's nose and tossed her a candy bar in retribution. "This storm can't last for that much longer."

"What does it feel like?" Paris had been quiet since the movie had been turned on, claiming she'd never seen it and that she wanted to understand the philosophical implications of the Oompa-Loompas.

"What does what feel like?" Lane replied as she reached for the Twizzlers.

"Labor," was the quiet reply. "What does it feel like? I mean, I get that it hurts but it can't be just pain. Can it?"

Rory was silent for a moment and then spoke. "A lot of pressure. All the muscles in my stomach seem to be clenching up at once, as hard as they can. It doesn't start from the outside; it seems to come from deep inside. Like my whole body is squeezing together, almost imploding. As each one comes, a little bit more of my body gets involved. I can't really think or concentrate on anything except the pain. In fact it's getting hard to talk during them. All you want is for it to end and each one seems to last for longer and longer." Any further explanation was cut off by the arrival of one of these infamous contractions. Once again Rory seemed to curl in on herself, pulling her arms and legs close in and forming herself into an awkward ball around her belly. A low, guttural moan escaped her lips as she struggled against the hurt inside. As soon as it passed, she struggled to her feet and began to once more pace restlessly around the room. Lorelai, Lane and Paris all exchanged helpless glances. They were useless to alleviate Rory's agony or help her with her struggle. All they could do was watch from the sidelines like superfluous cheerleaders.

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By 10:30 that night all pretenses of movie watching had been abandoned. The pains had changed, shifting and merging, charging the atmosphere with an overwhelming sense of anticipation. Rory's contractions were now coming less than five minutes apart and lasting a good 90 seconds before easing. Sweat was pouring off her and she no longer had the energy to move around the way she had been. She was hunched on the floor in the nest of blankets and pillows that the other women had managed to arrange around her. One of her hands clenched Lane's left hand in a death grip that never eased and Lane had long since ceased to try and free herself. Her fingertips were going numb but if holding on helped Rory to deal with the pain then she wasn't going anywhere.

The storm was showing no signs of easing and phone service was still out. Lorelai had already come to the conclusion that the baby was most likely going to be delivered in the living room and soon. Rory couldn't talk at all during the contractions and seemed to be close to letting go and screaming. Her long-off memories of Rory's birth included the fact that screaming had come right before pushing.

"Mom I can't take this anymore! I gotta push, I gotta push!" And here was the screaming now. "It hurts too much! I can't take this anymore! Make it stop, make it stop!"

"Just keeping breathing sweetheart, keep breathing. It'll be over soon." She shot a worried glance at Paris, who seemed to miraculously understand the meaning. The younger girl rose to her feet and headed towards the bathroom, dialing a cell phone as she went. She was back a few minutes later frowning at the phone and carrying towels, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a pair of scissors and spool of thread from Lorelai's sewing kit. "Rory, are you sure you have to push?"

"Yes!" The word came out in an animal howl of pure pain. "Get it out of me!"

Lorelai took a shaky breath. This was really happening and she had to deal with it. "Okay, here's what we're going to do: Rory, I'm going to pull your sweats off and take a look. I know it's embarrassing but don't fight me. Paris and Lane sit her up and support her from behind. Help hold her legs. Make it one less thing she has to spend her energy on." Another deep breath and Lorelai reached to get Rory's pants off. She'd shed her top an hour ago and was now clad only in her bra. A quick glance confirmed Lorelai's greatest fear. The top of the head was just barely visible. The baby was definitely coming. "I can see the head Rory. Lots of dark hair." She strove to keep her voice upbeat and cheery. "I guess on the next pain you should push down and hold it for as long as you can." There wasn't long to wait. The contraction came and Rory screamed with the effort. She screamed so loudly in fact that Lorelai was surprised that the Babette and Morey couldn't hear the commotion next door.

"Get it out! Get it out!" The pain ended and Rory collapsed panting back into her friend's arms. "I don't want to do this anymore!"

"That was really good! You've got to keep this up. You keep pushing like that and the baby will be here before you know it."

"I don't want it!" The pain and exhaustion was too much for her to handle and Rory began to cry. "I never wanted it and I hurt all over and this is too much, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore, please make it stop, just please make it STOP!" The worst pain yet seized her belly and Rory instinctively leaned forward and bore down as hard as she could, for as long as she could. The baby inched every so slowly towards the outside world.

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" And the pain returned and by now the responding push was automatic. Every ounce of energy within in her body focused on the push. The dark, fuzzy little glimpse of baby grew larger.

"Keep pushing Rory, keep pushing!" Lorelai's words of encouragement and Rory's howls of pain seemed to blend into one loud noise that threatened to shatter eardrums for a significant radius. A small, detached part of Lorelai's mind wondered how the hell Babette and Morey could possibly not hear the noise. "Come on, you're almost there! The head's almost out!" She quickly splashed some of the alcohol over her hands and grabbed a towel to hold it ready for the catch.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" A millimeter at a time, the baby's head slipped further into the world and into Lorelai's outstretched hands.

"The head is out! That's the hard part, you're almost done. Hang on just a little longer! Keep it up, you're almost done!"

"GET IT OUT!" The shriek of pure pain, and corresponding reflexive push shot the rest of the little body into the world in a rush of fluid.

"Girl! It's a girl!" Lorelai cried out triumphantly over the mewling wails of the newborn. Delicately she wrapped the towel around the infant, keeping a careful eye on the umbilical cord that still connected Rory and the baby. "She's gorgeous."

Rory let out an exhaustive breath and slumped back against Lane and Paris. The baby was still howling, growing louder with each breath. "I'm so tired."

"You did good. You did so good." Lorelai wanted to hug her daughter but her hands were full of a newborn that was still connected to her mother. The afterbirth hadn't been delivered yet.

Rory closed her eyes and began to groan again as the contractions started racking her body once more. "I thought I was done."

"The placenta has to come out. Just let it come, nice and easy. You've already done the hard part." A few gentle pushes and the afterbirth was out as well, wrapped in a towel that Lane had thought to spread just in time.

With the placenta out, Lorelai used the alcohol to sterilize the scissors and thread and cut the umbilical cord. The baby was on her own now and seemed be settling down.

Almost reflexively, Rory reached for the baby. Very gently, Lorelai nestled the tiny girl into her mother's arms. "Wow."

"Pretty cool, huh?" Despite all the circumstances surrounding the birth, Lorelai couldn't take her eyes off the baby. She was only a few minutes old but already had the elder Gilmore woman wrapped around her little finger. "Almost makes you forget all the pain."

"No way!" Rory's louder than intended reply startled the infant, who promptly started crying again. Without even thinking about it, Rory pulled her bra aside and held the baby to her breast. "I'm never going to forget that! And I'm never doing it again!" She looked down at the little girl, and then yelped in pain. "Oww! She bit me!"

"She gets that from you."

"What?"

"You bit me constantly for the first six weeks. It's why I stopped breastfeeding. Hurt too much."

"Do you hear that? Biting has consequences young lady." The baby let out a burp and promptly fell asleep. "Lovely attention span." Rory yawned and blinked hard. "I feel like sleeping for about the next 10 years. Take her, would you?" Without waiting for a reply, she shifted the baby over to Lorelai and closed her eyes, falling asleep within seconds.

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Not 30 minutes after the newest Gilmore girl made her debut, cell phone reception was restored and paramedics were dispatched to the household. Both Rory and the baby were asleep by then and neither was pleased at being awoken and checked over before being loaded into the ambulance. The flashing lights brought Babette running over despite the weather and Lorelai knew the story would be all over Stars Hollow within the hour. Right now she didn't care. All she wanted was to get her daughter and granddaughter (Holy God, she was a Grandmother!) into competent medical care as quickly as possible and then get some much deserved sleep before dealing with everything in the morning.

Dr. Larson met Rory at the ER and proclaimed her healthy. Antibiotics were prescribed in case of infection and a small tear was repaired, much to Rory's chagrin. The modesty she'd temporarily shed during the birth had already returned. As soon as she'd been admitted to a room, she fell back to sleep.

The baby weighed in at just over 7 lbs, 10 oz, and 19 inches long. Just like her mother, she was proclaimed healthy as could be and was immediately subjected to a blood test, antibiotics and a vitamin K injection before being taken off to the nursery for the night.

Lorelai thought for certain she'd fall asleep but instead found herself sitting outside the nursery till morning, waiting to see the baby again. A plan was beginning to form itself in her mind, a resolution to the dilemma Rory now faced. Unfortunately, discussion of said plan had to wait until Rory was awake and coherent.


	14. Chapter 14

"Mom?"

"I'm right here Rory." Lorelai leaned into Rory's field of vision. "How are you feeling?"

"Like déjà vu. But no headache this time." She winced as she tried to sit up. "Hey I can see my feet!"

"Told you they hadn't run off to Rio." Lorelai pushed the button to raise the bed and spare Rory the effort. "You want some water?"

"Please." Rory gratefully gulped down most of the cup her mother handed her. "My throat hurts."

"After all the screaming and yelling you did last night I'm not surprised."

"It hurt! I thought my whole body was being ripped apart. Splits on dynamite nothing, that was the Jaws of Life prying apart my lower body." Rory fell silent and leaned back against the pillows. "Is she healthy?"

"She's perfect. The most beautiful baby in the nursery." The next question was on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't ask it. Rory beat her to it.

"So I guess it's time to make a decision."

"You can't put it off anymore." Lorelai took a deep breath. "I talked to Social Services. They'll take her to a foster home if you haven't made up you mind on the parents before you're both discharged. They said this is pretty common actually."

Rory stared down at her hands, not speaking for a very long time. Just when Lorelai thought she'd fallen back asleep she broke the silence. "You want to take her don't you?"

"Yes." The word left Lorelai's mouth before she'd even had a chance to think about it. "Very much."

"Then I'll sign the papers and she'll be my sister instead of my daughter. You'll do a better job raising her than I ever could." The words came slowly, in an almost unemotional tone. Only someone who knew Rory very well could hear the absolute anguish.

"Are you sure?" She didn't want to ask but she knew she had to. Not just for Rory's sake but for that little girl as well. "This is one of those major life decisions Rory. You can't change your mind later."

"I can't raise her. It won't be fair to me or to her. I'll always resent her for holding me back and that isn't fair. This isn't her fault. I elected to have her and that means I have to do what's best for her. And that means making sure she has the best mother possible. I can't be that. I don't want her, I see raising her as an enormous burden. You see her as a joy and a privilege. That's what she needs. And I can't give her that. I can be a great big sister but I'll be a lousy mother, at least to her. I'll never be able to love her in the way that you loved me. I'll sign the papers." She was crying now, partially from the hormones and partially from relief. "It's for the best."

Lorelai was crying too. One part of her couldn't stand how much pain Rory was in and the other part was doing cartwheels over the prospect of the baby. "I'll call the agency and then I'll find a good family law attorney. I think we'll have to do this as a private adoption."

"Probably. The agency only places babies with couples that have passed all their screening and background checks." Rory wiped her eyes and tried to compose herself. "We should probably start making plans for when they let me out. Going home probably won't be the best idea."

Lorelai closed her eyes and fought back tears. "I know you're right kid but that part sucks."

"Maybe Paris will let me crash with her for awhile, until I figure out what I'm going to do next. At least until school starts in the fall. Maybe I can fit in some summer classes and start catching up." A slight glimmer of happiness shone through Rory's eyes at the prospect of school. "Or maybe do some traveling. I just keep thinking that if this is really going to work then I can't be around her for a while."

"What do you mean by 'awhile'?"

"Six months, maybe a year. Enough time so that you settled in with her and I settle in with Yale and the lines of life get clearly drawn."

Lorelai didn't respond for the longest time. "I don't know if now is the right time to be making huge decisions. You've still got some heavy-duty hormones running through your system. It may not even be legal for you to sign the papers right away because of that."

"I'll sign whenever they let me. I'm not going to change my mind on this. I don't want to be her mother. I want you to have that privilege. And you need to be able to focus on her, and not worry about me."

"I'm always going to worry about you. That's what mothers do. We worry. And I'm not every going to stop, no matter how old you get."

"But if she's going to have the best start then you have to be able to focus on her. And I have to do what's best for me. Giving her up will be easier if I don't have to be around her every day. How can I call myself her sister if my breasts leak every time she cries?" Rory's legendary practicality was shining through now; even though she was tears were starting to leak down her face. "Mom, I didn't conceive her with somebody I loved. She's a painful reminder of a horrible experience. As much as I love her, and I do, I don't want to be around her every day.

There was really no argument Lorelai could make to dissuade Rory. And a big part of her didn't want to. That was the part that was already making plans for a nursery and mentally rearranging her office to accommodate a cradle. Rory was right. It would be better for all three of them to allow Lorelai the time to bond with her new daughter, and for Rory to have the time to herself to heal in both body and soul.

"What do you want to name her?"

"What?" The rather abrupt subject change took Rory by surprise.

"You did all the work here. And yes, I'll be raising her. But I think you should name her. Call it big sister privilege."

Rory fell silent, thinking swiftly. "How about Olivia? No history, no meaning, no influence from Demerol. Just a nice name picked because I like it."

"Olivia Lorelai Gilmore."

"No Lorelai. Anything else but Lorelai. That's the whole point of giving her a name that is just hers and no one else's."

"Okay, fine. How about Olivia Kathleen?"

"Olivia Kathleen Gilmore. Sounds very DARish."

"Bite your tongue."

And then the tone turned serious again. "Do you want to see her?"

Rory shook her head. "No. It'll just make it harder. I know she's healthy and that's enough for me."

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Lorelai ran her finger lightly over the little cheeks again, marveling at how soft they felt. Olivia continued to snooze away, unaware of her mother's scrutiny. A thick layer of dark curls peaked out from under the pink cap on her head. And while her eyes hadn't been open long, they had been revealed to be light milky bluish-grey. Her skin was still blotchy and red from her birth, but showed signs of an olive complexion. So she wouldn't be a Black Irish Gilmore the way Lorelai was or carry Rory's classical looks, but would still be a beautiful child in her own right as she grew.

Lorelai still wasn't sure how one day could bring so much joy and so much pain all at once. Even as she rejoiced over the warm, squirming little bundle in her arms, her heart was aching for her oldest daughter. She knew, even if Rory didn't, how hard it was going to be to walk away from the baby two days from now. Oh Rory would do it. She'd sign the papers and stay with Paris and even go back to Europe this summer. But part of her would always be thinking about the baby, even as her milk dried up and her figure returned to normal. Rory was kidding herself if she though six months would be enough time. Deep in her heart Lorelai knew it would be at least a year before she'd see Rory for any length of time. Even now it would probably be a month or two before Lorelai could drive to New Haven. Nothing had been said but the agreement was in the air that Rory would not come to Stars Hollow for a very long time. For the better part of the year all of her recent misery and depression had seemed to center around the town and it was no longer her haven. Lorelai doubted that Rory would ever live in Star's Hollow again.

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The next two days seemed to fly by and crawl all at once. Lorelai was busy pulling together baby supplies and setting up a bassinet in her bedroom, while simultaneously explaining to her friends and co-workers how and why she suddenly had two children. In between the fuss at home she was at the hospital finalizing the arrangements with Rory and the family law attorney the Inn's lawyer had recommended. Rory had to sign papers stating that she had no idea who the father was, how to contact him and swearing to the circumstances of conception, so that his rights could be terminated in absentia. Then temporary custody had to be ceded to Lorelai so that Olivia wouldn't have to be released into foster care upon leaving the hospital. The preliminary adoption papers were drawn up and signed, to be finalized in six months when the court was satisfied that Rory was of sound mind to make the final decision. Until that time, she could change her mind and reclaim the baby.

Beyond the legal practicalities, were the physical ones. Rory would stay in Paris's spare bedroom when she was released from the hospital. That meant that most of Rory's things had to be shifted to New Haven. Luckily, Luke volunteered Jess for the job, as Lorelai literally didn't have the time. It was all she could to do get the packing done, crying as she did so. She was too busy with the legal papers and buying baby supplies and arranging for 6 weeks of leave at the Inn. Mia was overjoyed when Lorelai called to tell her about the baby. Emily merely wanted to know if Lorelai had lost her mind and how could she possibly consider raising the infant. Lorelai replied that if Emily found her life to be so offensive she was welcome to stay out of it for good, then hung up and resolved to cut her parents out of her life once and for all. Sookie immediately began to scheme with Babette and Patty to plan a surprise baby shower/meet Olivia party.

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"I'm only going to ask this one more time and then never again: are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do?" Lorelai was sitting next to Rory on the hospital bed, the papers spread out on the tray before them. All her discharge paperwork had been taken care of earlier that morning.

"Yes. This is what is best for all of us." Rory carefully picked up the pen and began to sign the papers that transferred custody of Olivia Kathleen Gilmore to Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. "Paris will be here in half an hour. We have to go right back to New Haven. She has class this afternoon. It may not be too late for me at least audit something."

"Don't push yourself too hard. You still have some healing to do." Lorelai closed her eyes to ward off the tears she felt threatening. "You know you can come home any time. No matter what kid."

"Thank you." Rory dove into her mother's arms and held on for dear life. For one brief moment she considered it: tearing up the papers and jumping in the Jeep and going back to Stars Hollow. But just as quickly she discarded the thought. The world was beckoning and the allure was too strong to pass up. "We'll call lots. And email. And it's not like I'm going to Europe or something. We'll still see each other."

"We've have done this last September anyway." Lorelai nodded her agreement and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She hadn't felt like this since Rory's first day of kindergarten. "I love you so much. You are this amazing, strong woman who is going to make waves in this world. You hear me Rory? You are making a huge sacrifice here. Make it count."

"I will, I promise." The tears were spilling over now as the Gilmore women continued to cling together. "I love you Mom."

A gentle rap on the door caught both of their attention. A candy striper was standing there with a wheelchair. "Miss Gilmore? There's a Miss Gellar at the nurses station. She says she's your ride home."

"I'll be right there." Rory turned back to her mother for one last hug. "Take care of her. Please."

"Of course sweetheart." They shared one last bittersweet hug, tears running down both their faces before Rory settled herself into the wheelchair and allowed herself to be rolled out the door and down the hall towards the exit.

The nursery window was right next to the main door of the maternity ward. "Stop!" The chair came to a halt and Rory cautiously got to her feet. She was still sore and moving was something she did very carefully.

She hadn't set eyes on Olivia since their arrival at the hospital three days ago. As she watched through the window, a nurse picked up a pink wrapped bundle and carried it over to where Lorelai now stood, a paper gown covering her street clothes. The baby passed carefully from one set of arms to the other, as a mother and daughter made eye contact one last time. An eternity passed before Rory took her eyes away from the dark hair and red skin, sitting back down in the wheelchair. "I'm ready to go now."


	15. Chapter 15

"Rory, Rory, Rory!" A laughing, dark haired blur tore through the crowd to crash into her older sister's knees. "I saw you on stage!"

"I know you did! I saw you waving during my speech." Rory leaned over and gathered the four-year-old dynamo into a hug. "Where are Mom and Luke and everyone else?"

"They're slow!" The little face screwed itself into a classic pout. Rory bit her lip to keep from bursting out laughing. "Daddy says it's cause of the baby. When's the baby going to get here so Mommy can run again?"

"Two more months." Lorelai came up to her daughters. "You nearly gave me a heart attack! What have I told you about running off? Especially in big crowds."

"If I can't be trusted to stay with you, then I'm not big enough to go to Disney."

"Or to walk on you own." Luke swept the little girl up, then leaned over to give Rory a one armed hug. "Congratulations kid. Seems like just yesterday you were in my diner, unable to see over the counter and demanding coffee."

"Coffee!" The little girl began to squirm. "I want coffee!"

"We can't have coffee until Mommy has the baby. It's not fair for her smell it and not drink it." A new voice entered the conversation. "You're not supposed to run off Squirt."

"Don't call me Squirt, Olivia! Only Aunt Sookie calls me Squirt!"

The seven-year-old rolled her eyes at the obvious stupidity of younger sisters. "Fine, **Abigail**." With one more eye roll she stepped over to embrace her big sister. "Congratulations Rory! Do we have to call you Dr. Mariano now?"

"You guys still get to call me Rory." She ran a hand through the deep auburn hair, marveling as she always did at the perfect texture of the curls. "What I wouldn't give for this hair."

"You say that every time you see me. Why don't you just dye yours already?" Olivia had never quite forgiven Rory for a crack she'd once made about clipping some off and taking to a hairdresser to match the color. Olivia had thought Rory meant to cut all her hair off. Lorelai swatted her second daughter's shoulder at the rude remark. Olivia did have the good grace to look somewhat repentant. "Are you really done with school now?"

"Yep. I got the PhD to prove it." She brandished the leather binder to make her point. "At this level you don't have to wait for them to mail out the degree." She stretched, one hand against her back. "Those chairs are so uncomfortable. Please tell me that Jess went to get the car."

"He's going to try to pull up as close as he can. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes!" The reply came out more forcefully than Rory meant. After the fight it had been to get to Yale, to get her undergraduate and graduate degrees, she hadn't meant to sound as though she was dying to get out. Quite the opposite actually. She wasn't sure she was ready to let it go, to move on with her life and her career. But the heat of the day was getting to her, as was being in proximity to Olivia. Despite all her efforts to the contrary, Rory had never been comfortable around the little girl. Whether it was simply because she was a reminder of the terrible events eight years ago or because she had been denying her maternal instincts for so long she didn't know. But something about those intense blue eyes had always made her a little more reserved, made her hold a part of herself back.

She looked down at the binder in her hands, marveling at how one little piece of paper could represent so much. Her doctorate was much more than a degree; it was the summit of the last eight years. Wrapped up in the document were the foggy, painful months after Olivia's birth, when she'd hidden at Paris's and cried nearly every waking moment, wondering if she'd done the right thing, clinging to the brief moments when she'd held and nursed the baby after her birth. Paris had been wonderful, holding Rory when she sobbed and being her sounding board for her anger. She'd made sure that Rory ate and went to her appointments with Dr. Riley and kept her from calling Lorelai at 3 am to demand that Olivia be returned to her. It was Paris that forced her out of bed and into a lecture hall one morning, when the baby was 6 weeks, 2 days and 12 hours old. That lecture, Great American Short Stories, had done for Rory what no one else had been able to do in the last year: it brought her back to herself and her dreams. She continued to audit Paris's course load and registered for classes the second she as able to. By the time fall rolled around, she had stopped seeing Dr. Riley for good.

The degree was more than the post-partum months. It was also the yoga she took up and the miles she walked to reclaim her old body. The sleepless nights Lorelai endured as she readjusted to having a newborn in the house. The relationship that blossomed between Lorelai and Luke. The backpacking trip that she and Lane had indulged in that summer, going from London to Poland and back, and every point they could in between. Lorelai's wedding to Luke and his subsequent adoption of Olivia, when she was 2 years old. That had been the first time Rory had laid eyes on the little girl she had finally convinced herself was her sister. Abby's birth a year later. Her slow but steady reconciliation with Jess. Lane's band touring the country. Sookie adding little Martha to her family. Richard's second heart attack during her sophomore year and his subsequent funeral. Junior year brought Emily's funeral, this time caused by a drunk driver. Her wedding to Jess, right after receiving her MA. The bestselling book Jess wrote, and the next that would be published next month. Paris moving to Washington and scoring a prestigious job with a senior Connecticut senator. All the articles Rory wrote for the Daily News, and the papers she sweated over. The soon-to-be-brother that Lorelai was carrying. And it was her own secret, carried just under her heart, the one known only to her and Jess but that they would announce at the party that night.

As she stood surrounded by her family, gazing down at the degree she held, Rory felt her past echo around her one last time as she mentally squared her shoulders and moved towards her future.


End file.
